I Know Who Goes Before Me

At this point in our adoption process, we are tired.  We know we still have quite the road ahead of us, but with being one year, five months, and six days into our journey, I think it's okay to say we are just tired.  Tired of not being with Nora, tired of communication issues, tired of delays, tired of the unknowns, and tired of the wait.  I woke up this morning having a dream about Nora for the first time.  In the dream I had decided to head to Haiti and spend some time with her.  She was looking adorable as usual in a pretty red dress and was posing for pictures with me as she said "cheese" with a big ole' cheesy grin on her face.  Waking up with this dream left me smiling and yet sad...I'm tired of feeling this dynamic mix of emotions--joyful and sad in the same breath.  Micah and I talked recently of how God must have been laughing at us as we said we'd follow His call to adopt--we knew we were done having our own biological children because we didn't want to go through another pregnancy ever again.  The labor part was actually a wonderful experience for me, but the pregnancy itself was just a bit too much for us to ever want to do it again.  Ha!  Little did we know this adoption pregnancy is close to doubling the 9 months of a physical pregnancy and it has been just as grueling, if not maybe even slightly more.  I guess I'm just ready for labor.  Bring on the pains of the home stretch, bring on the pressure and breathing and pushing...I'm ready for some intense movement to get our daughter into our world.

Even though we long for those moments and eventually that glorious moment when she is in our home, we still have more and more months of an adoption pregnancy to take care of.  As far as the process, we are still stuck in Parquet court with no knowledge of when we will get through it.  The typical time frame is 1-2 months and we have been there now just over 2 months.  No word of movement.  Over 2 weeks ago our director let us know she should be getting our adoption decree that week, but it has yet to be signed.  Nora is still not officially ours and I'm bummed about that today.  On top of that, our birth parent interview that was scheduled for Dec. 5th didn't end up happening.  Nora's birth-mom did come for the interview, but she forgot her ID card so the US Embassy would not interview her.  They rescheduled her for February 12th.  Ouch.  We were hoping the process would continue in such a way we could potentially be bringing Nora home not long after that date, but now we have no idea how much longer it would take after this interview to get our visa approval.  It was a hard blow in our process, but one we can't do much about.  I did contact them to see if the interview could be moved up, but they denied the request.  So, now we continue sitting, waiting, wondering when the labor will begin.

In the midst of the lull, it is easy to stay focused on how tired, disappointed, and frustrated we are with the delays.  It is easy to roll our eyes and huff a "who the heck knows" when someone asks how much longer it will take to get her home.  What is the harder choice in those moments is to still remember God is in control of it all.  To Praise Him for the ways He is orchestrating this whole journey.  To place it on His shoulders and rest in the fact He is by our side in each step--whether we are rejoicing or weeping, being frustrated or delighted, still pregnant, in labor, or in the joys of bonding.

There is a new song scheduled to be released in January--"Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)" by Chris Tomlin.  It is a favorite of mine already.  It sums up this adoption experience for me.  If you haven't heard it yet, here it is...

 

This song reminds me of so many key things throughout the journey.  It reminds me of the MANY, MANY, MANY ways the Lord has shown Himself to me and others in this journey.  It reminds me of the incredible ways He has opened my eyes to the spiritual realms and all that must go on while we live blindly unaware of it all.  It reminds me of the fact that God is the Victor and will reign at the end of this day, this week, this month, this adoption.  It reminds me that it is not me, our orphanage director, the lawyer, the Haitian government, or the US government who will win this battle against the enemy--it is the Lord God Almighty.  It reminds me He has the whole world under His care (including Nora in Haiti) and nothing standing in front of His will will remain standing when He gets done with it.  It reminds me of the One who goes before me in everything--adoption process included, the One who stands beside me in my weary moment today, and the One who is behind me--marking His hand at so many places for me to glorify Him, thank Him, and trust Him with an unknown future.  It reminds me that even though today trouble lingers still, God is my strength, my shield, and the One I can trust...I do not have to fear anything because He is with me.  It reminds me that God promises me wonderful, good things and HE alone is trustworthy and faithful to seeing those through to completion.

I am humbled today that my God would love little ole' me enough to send armies, quite literally ARMIES of angels to my side to help me whenever I need it.  This picture takes me back to an earlier time in our process when God laid a vision in my head of the battlefield this adoption truly is and who all is on my side in the heavenly realms and who all is against me (see this post for a further description).  It is amazing and awesome to know that Truth today in the tiredness of the battle...I have an army of angels at my side ready and willing to carry on in battle while I am just too tired.  I can simply rest today and pick up my weapon again tomorrow.  I am also humbled the same God who draws up an army of angels for me considers me His friend--not His subject or project, but His friend.  Today, although I am still tired, I am blessed and honored.  I am right where He can minister to my needs, teach me even more about His love for me, and be glorified even greater for the work He is doing in my life.  I can look forward towards the remaining months of this "adoption pregnancy" knowing the Friend I have going before me--the God of angel armies who is always by my side--and it brings hope and encouragement to my tired soul today.