In the moments of our adoption when God seems to be "on the move" and doing amazing things that can only be seen as acts of Him, I find myself on a high like no other. And, yes, those moments are scattered throughout our process everywhere--He is at work, there is no doubt about that! He has done such miraculous and incredibly personal things along this journey that solidify my faith and confidence that He loves me, knows me, and is working for me way beyond what any other could possibly do. Those moments are the spots I find myself "placing a rock", if you will, to mark that in this way, on such and such a day, God allowed me to see I had been in the presence of the Almighty and was touched by the Holiness of the Miraculous and lived to tell others about it. Those spots are literally written down throughout this blog for others to see the glory of the God who made them happen. They leave me speechless and incredibly grateful for my Lord.
In the moments of our adoption when God seems to have "gone silent" and the process moves along at a snail's pace or is halted all together for various unknown reasons, I find myself instead in a spot of complete frustration. Complete frustration that, in that moment, in that spot, I feel as if I do not know what else to do. It is a place where no matter how hard I pray or no matter how much I trust God or praise Him, FORWARD ACTION in this adoption seems to elude me. This spot seems to demand from me both inner peace and yet the desire to fight, which seem opposite. It demands complete belief that God can move the mountains and yet total acceptance if I'm not seeing it happen, which is hard for anyone. It seems to ask for expectation that God is going to WOW me and yet humility when it hasn't happened as I so solidly believed it would.
It's not a comfortable, cozy spot to be in. It is, for me, a very confusing spot where I want to cling with all my might to TRUTH and completely destroy any lies Satan is trying to use against me, but yet I struggle to know what Truths to believe, or better yet, how to believe all of the Truths at the same time when they seem to request opposite actions. I mean, do I remain peacefully and contently silent in the wait, believing God can do this thing without my valiant efforts, or do I fight along side Him by doing everything I can to see this come about, believing this to be His Will? Even further, do I even believe that this IS His Will? Do I believe that it is part of His Plan for our adoption to take this long, for us to be stuck where we are right now, for Nora to continue to be cared for in this orphanage instead of in our family or do I believe His Will is being fought against by every evil force Satan can muster to make this adoption fail and therefore needs some sort of spiritual breakthrough to actually get it to happen? Do I accept our current situation as it is because it is God's Will or do I fight against it because it is not God's Will? And then realizing I am in no place and never will be to ever even truly know what the will of God is comes into play and leaves me with such confusion on what to do. Can anyone see the dilemma I face while in this spot? It's agonizing to my soul and spirit. Despite the fact I continue on with everyday life with a pretty joyful spirit and can function just fine as a wife, mom and woman, these things take me to a place I just want to run away from because the confusion is just too hard to figure out.
Like I said above, this spot is not new to me in this adoption. It is a spot where I have come to over and over again...you'd think I would have learned my "lesson" and remembered the way to get myself out of this mess, but alas, here I am again...oye! I have been blessed by God in these spots before with Truth and yet I walk away from it and for whatever reason seem to forget what He taught me. Each time I find myself in this spot, these are the words--the questions--God has spoken to me. They are questions that do not completely answer all my other questions or silence all my doubts or even show me exactly what His Will is or isn't, but they do give me direction for my prayer life and a peace about the actions I decide to make. The questions God asks of me are the following: "If you get out of your head and into your heart, what does it have to say? What do you feel in your heart? What do you desire in your heart? If you just stop THINKING and just start FEELING, where does that take you? If you stop trying to rationally and logically understand it all and just tell Me the truth of your heart, what would that be?" Yep, in those spots, God takes me right back to the place He lives and reminds me He wants to meet with me there...in my heart, not in my head. When I asked Jesus Christ to come live inside of me, friends, I didn't ask Him to live in my brain, I asked Him to live in my heart. I find that in these moments of complete and utter confusion, I am trying to make decisions with my head instead of my heart and it continually doesn't work.
The hardest part, I think, about making a conscience choice to go from my head to my heart is the fact that head knowledge is "safe". It is based in facts. It is based in what is known, what is seen, what is proven or can be proven. Heart knowledge, however, is built out of passions and feelings. It is "risky". Hearts can be broken, right?!? Heart choices are not always sure. They aren't always predictable. They aren't always built or based on logic. They are intimately personal and therefore hard to speak to others, to God, or even to myself sometimes because they have feelings attached that could be deeply hurt if left in the wrong hands. Trust--deep trust--has to be present for my heart contents to be shared. But, when they are shared, even just between me and God, I think true love--God Is Love, love --is experienced between both parties involved and that presence of Love seems to melt away all of the other concerns my mind previously had. I just know and trust that God has heard my heart and will do everything He can to answer those desires because He loves me.
So, friends, I have spent much time over the past several days pouring out my prayers before the Lord. I have, however, unfortunately spent much of that time praying out of my head and continued to be frustrated as I still didn't seem to understand what to do or not do. This morning, as I came to Him once again, I was gently reminded of the difference between praying from my head and from my heart. I allowed myself to "go there", to take the risk, to trust my God with my intimate heart desires. It was rich and energizing to say the least. The peace and excitement that has come today has been incredibly refreshing. I have delighted in Him--in His Presence and in remembering what all He CAN do. Out of the desires of my heart, I have prayed for movement to be seen once again in the world of Haitian adoptions. I have prayed specifically for our own as well as all others. I have prayed many other specific desires my heart contains that need only to be known by my Father. They have all come not from my head, but from my heart.
Today has been a very good day, friends, a very good day. A day where I have spent time in the Lord's Presence, shared intimately with him from my heart, been assured He has heard me, and now have seen evidence of Him at work on that "movement desire" I spoke of here. Who knows if that movement has much to do with my own prayers or just my ability to see God's work again clearly. At any rate, I know He is using these examples to reenforce the Truths He has reminded me of today--He wants to hear the desires of my heart! No, we have no news for our own adoption yet, but there are other families who have had huge breakthroughs in their cases today and have been moved forward when it seemed so bleak to them. As these reports have come in, I have sat in awe of the goodness of our God and in the fact that He alone is able! I am excited to see what is ahead of us in the remainder of this adoption because I know...deep down in my heart I know...that God is at work on the desires of my heart.
"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this" ~Ps. 37:4-5