I don't have an exact date, but sometime just before the summer of 2012 God spoke to my heart in a gentle whisper. "I want you to pray" He said. Nothing more, nothing less. Just "I want you to pray." However, with that simple phrase I also knew that what He really meant was that He wanted me to pray more than I had been. My prayer background in a nutshell went from being a young girl who memorized prayers from my church and prayed for family members before bedtime to a young woman in high school and early college who simply prayed to be heard by someone who cared. At that point I would tell God about my day, my feelings, what I wanted, what hurt me, and what I thought about everything. Those prayers consisted mainly of me talking to God and not much of me listening to His response. After college my prayers really became a place to let it all out without holding anything back. I would often pray to let all my worries of my career, my marriage and my mothering up to God as a venting session. I wanted it all off my shoulders and I knew God could handle all of my garbage. That's kinda what I saw Him as during those years...a Divine Garbage Dump...hoping that if I told Him everything I would feel better. At that time I also believed I could do things with the gifts God had already given me or with the intuition God had given me so I didn't really need to pray about everything.
The situation of being stuck in our adoption process of our youngest daughter at that point in 2012, however, had me finally to a place where I had never really been before. A place where there was literally nothing I could do to impact, change or make our situation any better. God used those seemingly dark days to begin opening my eyes and speaking clearly to me, "I want you to pray". So, I finally obeyed by quitting an amazing group I was attending on Wednesday nights in order to attend the Wednesday night prayer group meeting at our church and spent time most mornings journaling out my prayers in my bedroom. I found myself excited yet nervous, confident yet humbled. I remember thinking, "God, I don't know what on earth You are doing here. Are you really trying to turn me into what I've labeled a 'prayer warrior'? The woman I said I would never be able to be? I can't do that! I can't pray more than I am already...I have a house to take care of, kids to mother, and food to prepare. I can't even find time to exercise...how am I supposed to find time to pray more?"
That brings me to the second transformation. Trust. The more I spend time in His Presence and the more time I read His Word, the more I am convinced that God is always good and trustworthy. Not just good for me, but good for everyone and everything He has ever created, which is quite honestly beyond what I can comprehend. I have always had major trust issues with God so I haven't always been able to say that with confidence. I believe most of those issues came, however, because I alienated myself from Him instead of digging myself into Him even more to learn and stand on the Truth. Now that I am digging in, I am believing! I know now more than ever that people will fail me. Events, situations and circumstances will fail me. Time will fail me. This world and all it has to offer will fail me. I will even fail me. But not God. God will always, always, always be there creating good and beauty from ugly ashes and I can trust Him. I NEED to trust Him. It truly was only by spending prioritized time with Him through prayer and reading Scriptures that I have come to a place to do that. Left on my own, I just couldn't.