Practicing Joy

We are just over 700 days into our adoption process.  That is 1 year, 11 months, 1 week, and 6 days to be exact.  Just over 700 days.  Some days that number seems really high.  In a way, the time has moved quickly.  More days than that, however, it feels just the opposite--like that 700 really is at least 1000 years because the time is moving slowly.

I read a familiar Scripture, 2 Peter 3:8, yesterday: "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends; With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day."  I made note that on the days when it feels like time is dragging on and a thousand years have passed in 24 hours, the Lord understands my pain and is there WITH me.  The verse above says so.  "With the Lord a day is like a thousand years..."  He is with me on those hard days that feel indescribably long.  And when the days are passing quickly, I also found great comfort in the fact that God is with me on those days too.  When this process is said and done and Nora is eating breakfast at our table and saying prayers with us at night, these 700+ days will feel like less than a day in the grand scheme of things.  That concept truly does help my brain simmer down on how much I am missing out on as the days count onward.

So at just after 700 days, where are we at in the process?  How close are we to bringing Nora home?  Those are the questions I get asked most often.  Although I don't have all of the answers, here is the best I've got...

We are in our 7th week in the department called MOI (Ministry of Interior).  Our original projected time line puts this part of the process at 3-6 months.  Just before we got into MOI, the typical time frames were running 4-6 weeks if there were no errors in the paperwork, but if there were errors, we should be prepared to sit there for quite some time.  All of the others ahead of us in our orphanage have unfortunately run into issues in MOI and have definitely been in for 3-6 months now.  I'm heartbroken for them as I want their children home just like I want Nora home.  It's hard for my brain to comprehend why this last check over all of the materials would take so long if they had made it through all the other departments fine, but to put it into a bit more perspective, there are supposedly around 2000 files in MOI to be processed right now.  On top of that, the building MOI is located in just went through a remodeling project and shut down for the reconstruction.  (Can you even imagine if one of our US governmental offices just simply shut down while it was being remodeled???  What a concept.)  It helps to face the realities of the timeline when you have some sort of facts to cling to.  Anyway, we currently have no clue if our papers have any errors or not so we just don't know how long it will take us to get through MOI.  That has been very frustrating to me, and as much as I want an answer to that question, I know I will not get it for now.  Many people would say this is a chance to practice patience.  That typically brings a quick eye-roll from this Mama.  Um, no, I've had a little over 700 days to practice patience...I think I have that one down at this point, thank you very much.  But what it does give me is an opportunity to practice something different...to practice joy.

Take note, like I had to, that joy is not happiness.  Happiness is conditional, elusive to some, caught by many and then dropped by everyone as soon as something comes along that steals it away.  If your day is going well, you are happy.  If it is not going well, you are not so happy.  It's not something that is constant despite the situation you find yourself in.  Joy, however, goes beyond the beginnings and ends of each situation.  Joy can be held captive within your soul and heart when the next "bad" thing comes along trying to steal it away.  Joy is a gift of the Spirit.  A gift that is given by a Holy God because He loves us.  It is ours for the keeping!  It is a gift that unfortunately has been getting buried a bit this far into the adoption journey and lately I've realized the need to pull it out to the surface again.

This journey has been weary for me, there is no getting around that.  It has taken me to depths I have never gone before and taught me such amazingly wonderful things about God, myself, and others I had never learned before.  It has had moments of gut-wrenching pain and mountain-top elation.  It has drawn our family closer together and caused a fierce love to grow for a certain little lady we are blessed to adding to our family.  It has brought out the uglies in me and it has given me opportunities to share the love of Christ with others.  It has brought deep sorrow for so many different reasons and it has had many happy times as well.  Through it all, joy has always been there--sometimes deep underneath and sometimes at the surface, but it has been there.  Lately, it has been deep underneath.  I have allowed the frustrations and heartache of the wait and unanswered questions to push it deeper and deeper underneath my bitterness and child-like "it's not fair" pouting fits.

A few weeks back, however, after some great time in the Word and talking with Micah, I realized I was allowing the end of this adoption to be shaded with negativity instead of joy.  I was allowing the beauty of adoption and the excitement of the fact we have been chosen to add this amazing little girl into our family to be lost in the negatives.  Even when it feels like a 1000 year type of day, our time of waiting is drawing closer and closer to an end and instead of getting more and more excited for Nora's arrival, I have been focused on the frustrations of the moment instead.  It's almost like the end of a pregnancy when the mom-to-be has swollen feet, can hardly move her front-heavy body around, and is overwhelmed with her pre-labor emotions.  Is she thinking about the excitement and joy of the miracle of life that is just around her corner?  Not really.  In all honesty, she's thinking about how to get her body off the couch one more blasted time to get to the bathroom before she pees her pants...again.  (Am I right, moms out there???)  It is HARD for that precious mom-to-be to focus on the blessing inside of her body that is about to make his or her appearance.  It is hard for her to take her mind off the circumstances surrounding her and focus more on the joy of the role God has given her to bring life into this world.  So it is with this adoption--it is hard to choose the joy and excitement of what is happening--the final moments getting in line before the miracle moment--over the realities of what my current situation is--tired of being "pregnant" for over 700 days.

However, since that realization a few weeks back, I have seen the freedom and blessing in choosing to practice joy.  I say "practice" because I have to admit, it is still not a the point of coming completely natural.  I still have to consciously think about choosing joy.  I have to make myself choose joy each day (or several times a day).  I have to practice because I'm pretty out of shape using it.  When I do it, though, it is liberating to my soul.  Joy, friends, is the blessing of feeling in control of myself again and making the decisions the Lord has always meant for me to make.  I no longer allow the situations and circumstances of my day to determine if my joy is unleashed or not.  Joy is a gift the Lord has given to me and it is MY choice to have it, not my circumstances choice.  Because I have decided to say YES to joy--YES to including this gift God has given me into my day--I have found myself so much more focused on the excitement of the coming events than ever before.  Nora is coming home, friends!  I have MUCH joy because of this fact.  I refuse to let the unknowns of that date and time steal away the joy God has given me to experience even in the wait.  Today, I choose to practice joy and regain the gift He has given to me.  The more I do it, the more peace comes and replaces the frustrations of a weary brain, the more love comes and replaces bitterness with people I have never met who handle our paperwork, the more hope comes and replaces the feelings that this will never end.  This joy, when found in my heart, is extended to others too, and the more joy is shared with the world.

The Lord gave me a Word that has spoken Truth and Blessing over my weary body.  It is found in Hosea 2:14-15: "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.  There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.  There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt."  See, friends, even though I feel like I'm indeed trekking through a desert these days, I can rest knowing that God is the One who has led me here because He is longing to speak tenderly to me.  There is no better place to do so than where I am most needy--a desert place.  Because I have followed Him to this desert place, I am promised such treasures--I am promised by the Lord to have tender words spoken over me, my vineyards (my fruit of the Spirit) restored (which includes my JOY), and I will be given hope again.  I will sing again as I did when I first found my freedom and I'm so excited for that!

So even after 700+ days of wandering around in the desert with the Lord, I have the ability, the privilege, the choice given to me by Him to have joy, to experience joy, to practice joy until it comes naturally.  I am grateful for the desert place I'm in with the Lord and the joy I am finding there.  Practicing leads to perfecting.  Not that I'll ever get my joy perfected before entering the gates of Heaven, but the more I do it, the better I'll be.  This concept reminds me of a little song on my Bullfrogs and Butterflies tape I listened to as a child...perhaps this is the "song of my youth" from that passage in Hosea God wanted me to start singing again...

One of the ways to I've found helpful in practicing joy is reading Scripture that points me in the right direction.  Here are a several for you to use if you, too, are needing that boost of encouragement today...

• "The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes." ~Psalm 19:8
  

• "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." ~Psalm 28:7
  

• "Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you." ~Psalm 86:4
  

• '"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy." ~Psalm 94:19

• "If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love.  I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." ~John 15:10-12

• "A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." ~John 16:21-22
  

• "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." ~Romans 12:12
  

• "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." ~Romans 15:13

• "Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." ~Philippians 2:1-3

I pray blessings of joy over myself and each of you today no matter where God has you in your own life.  Whether you are in a desert place or a mountain top high, joy is a gift within you--I pray you chose to experience it today...the freedom it brings is priceless!

Sometimes Mothers Don't Know Best...Lessons from a 7 Year Old's Birthday

I've been mulling over the content of this post for several weeks now.  The more I chew on it, the more it speaks to my heart of hearts and the more my heart of hearts smiles.  I smile not because of something I have done, but because of the work of the Lord in my daughter's heart and even my own.  He certainly loves us all and calls us all to be missionaries of His love to others...even 7 year olds.

Let me take you back several weeks with me.  The scene would be my almost 7 year old daughter sitting on a couch asking me when we are going to send out her birthday party invitations.  Birthday invitations, yep, almost forgot those.  In all the planning of when the party will be scheduled, what the theme will be, what decorations we'll use, what the cake will be decorated as and how many people we will invite, we somehow missed also figuring out WHO we will invite and actually getting the invitations in the mail.  Oh the woes of birthday party planning...there is so much to do.  However, we did have to get those invitations out because the party was just a few weeks away and the rest would be pointless if there were not people there to enjoy it all.  So, with that background, the work of the Lord began.

I told Lily to get a piece of paper and write down the names of the girls she wanted to invite to her party.  We previously agreed to invite only 6 girls this year because, with her included, that would make 7 girls total and she was turning 7 years old--seemed fitting.  (Last year we had 13 girls and it was...well...a tad overwhelming).  So, with pencil and paper in hand, Lily made her list.  When she handed it to me, I was surprised to see names of young girls I had never heard of before instead of the familiar names of the ones we've seen grow up beside our daughter over the past 7 years.  Where were the names of her closest friends?

Instantly, I began to derail the work of the Lord.  "Um, Lil, I don't even know these girls.  Who are they?  Why didn't you put your best friends on the list?"

Looking at me like she had never even thought of that notion, Lily answered, "Well, these are some of the people I know from school and the bus, Mom.  I wanted to invite them to my party."

Still oblivious to my undermining, I said, "Well, that's sweet of you, Honey, but since you can only invite 6 girls, don't you want those to be your closest friends?  Don't you think your friends will be sad if they are not invited to your party while other people you don't know very well were?"

"But, Mom," Lily pleaded, "these girls haven't ever been to my house yet and I thought it would be fun to have them come to my party so I could show them where we live and my room and toys and stuff."

To which, in my not-so-glamorous moment, I replied, "Well, I understand that you want to have other girls over but let's do that some other time this summer and invite your closest friends to your birthday party instead, okay?  That way you get to celebrate with your friends!"

With a roll of the eyes and a "Yes, Mom," Lily began erasing well-meaning names off her list and replacing them with her "closer" friends just like her mother told her to do.  (Insert hind-sight shutter).

Mind you, I had no guilt over my decision to have Lily change her invitation list.  No reservation that I had perhaps not made the right choice.  No further thoughts that made me question if my motherly advise was good or not.  I mean, come on, this is what parties are like, right?  A place of celebration where our closest friends surround us and cheer us on.  A place where you are the highlighted person amongst your peers or co-workers or family members for a short time because of an accomplishment of some sort--like turning another year older.  For young girls, a birthday party is a place where you get to open presents, eat cake, and laugh the hours away with all of your friends.  It's not a time or place where you actually do Kingdom work...is it?  Well, I believe God has a differing opinion than I did.

The very next morning, forgetting the events with my daughter the evening before, I opened up my Good Morning Girls Bible study reading to a passage in Luke 14.  That's when everything started to unravel and God got my attention.  If there is any question on whether the Bible still applies today, this is an example of how I could answer that with a profound "YES!"  The active and applicable Word of God is what opened my eyes to the Truth.  Read with me...

Luke 14:12-14
"Then Jesus said to his host, “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid.  But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind,  and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”

Ouch...a good ouch. Instantaneously, I had complete conviction over my oh-so-wise mothering decisions the evening before.  How could I be so blind to the way I was misguiding my precious daughter away from her innocent and tender way of being a follower of Christ's ways?  How could I be so gullible to following the ways of this world...the ways of adults...the ways of conditioned people who think selfishly of who they WANT to be around for a few hours instead of who they SHOULD be around for a few hours.  How did I miss the holiness of my daughter's choice of guests?  I was so grateful for the wake up call.  So grateful for God's Word.  So grateful He didn't leave me in my shallowness, but drew me into a deeper knowledge of His ways and His desires.  I knew I needed to have a talk with Lily when she got off the bus that afternoon and was so excited to express my sincere apologies and seek forgiveness from her.

After Lily bounded off the bus, I sat down on the couch with her and told her I needed to show her what I read in the Bible that morning.  We read the passage together and I apologized for not following what Christ had taught there.  I also thanked her for her heart's desire to reach out to those who had never had the chance to come to our house or be invited to one of her special parties.  I made sure she knew she was very, very right in her train of thought and that her heart was so very good.  I told her, in the end, it really didn't matter who she invited to the party--whether it was some of her closer friends and family or girls she had never invited over before.  What was important was following the whispers Christ had put into her heart and not allowing others (even her very own mother) stand in the way of that.  I gave her the paper back and told her to please invite whomever she wanted to invite, and that if there were new friends on that list, I would be excited to get to know them better.

So, she did rewrite the list...back to the original almost and I couldn't have been more elated.  A 7 year old missionary of Christ's love.  Yep, that is what I have growing up in my presence.  A 7 year old who has a heart that beats to the drum of the Lord.  A 7 year old who is willing to sacrifice sharing cake with her "besties" in order to bring others into her home who haven't had that chance yet.  A 7 year old who is more focused on others feeling included and loved than on what others will think of her decisions.  A 7 year old who I am so very blessed to have as my daughter.  A 7 year old who just schooled her mom on how to live like Jesus.

I'm thanking the Lord for her today.  Thanking the Lord for using her and His Word to teach me, once again, that even though I'm the mother, sometimes mothers don't always know what's best.

P.S.  She had a fun, crazy loud party with other precious young girls whom we were blessed to get to know a little better.  Praise the Lord!

The Month of May

I notice as I log on here that my last post was clear back at the beginning of May.  This actually does not surprise me one bit.  May is a crazy month for our family and this year was no exception!  Here are some words and photos to show off our month...

We started the month off with a trip to the zoo for Lily and Micah (with her class)...

Ready to head to the zoo

You can barely see it, but Lily is feeding the giraffe (in the gray shirt)

Then an adoption fundraiser jewelry party which had low attendance, but we still managed to make sales in oustide guests and were blessed with enough money to pay for another month of Nora's care--praise God!  A special thank you to my dear friend, Abbe, for her willingness to help in this way.

Next on the calendar was Mother's Day and then Toby's preschool spring program.  Toby was adamant he was not going to get up on the stage, but when it came down to it, he not only got on the stage, he even said a line all by himself in one of the songs!  Such a proud Mama moment!

Firefighter Toby!

Flower being rained on

Toby with his teacher, Miss Jane, whom we love!

We moved forward to Lily's school music program where she was a very cute explorer.  She had a lot of fun singing the songs and making some music with her classmates.

Explorer Lily

Our family getting eaten alive by mosquitoes after Lily's program

Throughout April and the beginning of this month, I worked on a watercolor painting for my brother-in-law, Jerry.  He was wanting it done for the camp they are directors of.

It was fun to get back to painting a bit...for some reason those days are few and far between right now.  I had to get the painting done by the middle of the month because...

The day after Lily's school program we surprised the kids with our trip to South Dakota for our oldest niece's high school graduation.  They literally had no idea we had planned the trip until we were heading out the door--it was great!  We loved our time out with family so much we debated half way across Iowa about just turning back around and calling the kids and Micah off work and school for several more days.  Getting away and being a family with no crazy schedules was so refreshing.

Kids outside on Swan Lake Christian Camp's infamous bell

Uncle Micah playing with Liam

Big smiles for all since Aunt Angie was able to hold Liam this trip

Lily's horse ride

Quinn's horse ride with Aunt Judi

Can you tell Quinn was having LOTS of fun outside?!?!

Getting ready for the graduation festivities

Little ornery cuties

Quinn with cousin Laura at graduation

Cousin Melissa swinging the kids on the hammocks

Our family at the lake

Dirt and boys always find each other

Even dirt and the older "boy"--awww....so sweet!

Our family with the Grad-Kayle!  Congrats!!!

Papa T with the grandkids

We did continue on home, however, because we had a garden to plant...

and our subdivision garage sales to get ready for.  We had great success at the sales so it made all the work worth it.  We were then able to collect a lot of the neighbor's "left-overs" from the sales and give them to another family who are adopting another sweet one from Rivers of Hope.  They are doing their own adoption garage sale fundraiser in just a few short weeks so we pray our extras will bless their efforts!  It was also nice to meet another fellow ROH family in person.  Many blessings to them!

Extras being gathered to send off to our other ROH friends

After the garage sales, I was finally able to box up lots of scrubs we've been collecting for several months. With the hospital Micah works at going to uniform scrubs this past year, we were able to ask many he knew to donate their old scrubs for clinics Project Medishare works in.  I'm so excited to be able to send these off to this great organization.  For more info on what all Project Medishare does in Haiti, click here!

We've also taken advantage of some nice warmer weather and had our first family campfire of the season.  We all enjoyed some pizza pudgy pies and s'mores over the flames.  Yummo!

Quinn guarding the s'mores supplies

Love

Yummy!

Nothing like a good ole roasted marshmallow

We are then rounding out the month with Lily's 7th birthday on her last day of school today.  Can't believe I'm writing I have a 7 year old 2nd grader in our household now!  Time flies for sure.  Still in blue at the end of the year-ha!

Lily on the first day of school as a 1st grader

Lily on the last day of school as a 1st grader (also her 7th birthday-today!)

This week, we were able to head to Lily's school to celebrate her birthday with her classmates.  On each child's birthday, her teacher has the classmates write a little letter to the birthday girl or boy and then she reads them all while that child sits in front of her class.  I stood there listening to the words of Lily's peers they had wrote about her with tears in my eyes.  As a parent you tend to see so many treasures within the personality and life of your children that you wonder if others notice.  I daily get to see so many ways that Lily cares for others, loves with a big open heart, and gives gifts and encouragement like it's going out of style.  As I heard the words being read off the pages of these letters, I realized that, yes, God is using those gifts not just in our home but to all she meets.  She is a gem!  Here are a few of the words her classmates spoke of her--I'm so thankful for having these for Lily to treasure.  They are truths spoken over her that will be needed when days come that unfortunately will carry unkind words.

-You are so nice. You are even fast at running and very sweet too.
-You are very special because God made you.
-You are nice and funny and you are a nice friend.
-You are a good artist and you do nice things.
-You are very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very nice.
-You have a good heart.
-You can run as fast as a car.
-You are nice and sweet. You are responsible and careful. You are full of love.
-You are a good friend. You have a good heart. You are full of love.
-You are so, so, so nice to me and the others and you are full of love.
-You are my BFF! You have a good heart. You are a good friend.
-You are nice and you get your work done in time. You are my first BFF!

 

So, all in all, this has been a very busy but highly rewarding month.  We still have Lily's home party yet this weekend and then I may have to collapse on the couch for a day to recover from it all.  When I look back, I'm amazed that this was a potential month (way back when) to have Nora coming home.  Obviously, we would have cancelled some things to make it work, but it still would have been pretty crazy.  Her homecoming still feels so far off, but the reality is she will be home sometime soon and I'm glad our super busy month is passed so we can relish her even more when she needs us to be more solely focused on her.  No new news from Haiti regarding our process, but we have enjoyed a few beautiful new pictures from two of our favorite young Canadian women who traveled back down to ROH to love on our kids again. Ashley and Ketsia have been such a huge blessing to our family and to Nora specifically.  We are always grateful for the love they give Nora.

Nora with Ketsia

Nora with Ashley

Chowing down on some mango

Sticky Mango Love

Tired girl

Pure Beauty

Process wise, we are still in MOI, but have not necessarily been there any longer than expected at this point.  More typical time frames for this stage are 4-6 weeks although so many from our orphanage have been stuck there for months and months.  We are beginning our 4th week there, so please be praying with us we will get out very soon and move on to passports.  Our hearts' desires is to see Nora come home by the end of July so our children will be able to have a few weeks all at home together before heading back to school.  God is Able!  If you remember, at the beginning of this journey we decided to help make these days a little bit more tangible for our children by starting a paper link chain around the top of Lily and Nora's room.  Every day we add a link.  We had high hopes of having her home before the chain encircled her room twice.  Well, we are getting very near the end of that second time around and it's not looking hopeful we will have her home before it reaches the starting point once again, but we have high hopes there will not be too many more chains left to be added.  As hard as it is to see link after link after link go up, it has at least created a beautiful scene around the top of their room...almost as if their room is being literally surrounded by love and care just as we pray for Nora each night as a family.  Here's a little video to show you the visual of just how many days our children have been waiting to see their sister in their very own home.  May God speed the remainder of the process and get these kiddos together!

Look Who's a Thieszen Now!!!

It is with much joy we report today we have received a message from Haiti today that our dossier is in MOI now.  For those of you who have no idea what that means, it means we have passed through legalizations and have our legalized adoption decree.  If you still don't know what that means, it means....

This little beauty is now officially a "Thieszen"!

YAYAYAYAYAYAYYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feel free to join in our celebrations today however you want to--we are praising God, dancing, jumping into each others' arms, kissing each other, hugging each other, crying, thanking God over and over and over...you get the picture.  We are HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!

Now, what exactly does this mean as far as process?  Well, in layman's terms MOI is the last large step on the Haitian end of the process.  Our entire dossier and all paperwork gathered on the Haitian side needs one last stamp of approval in order for Nora to be granted a passport. This "stamp" sounds easy enough to get, but it is just the same as all other parts of this process...very unpredictable.  I have seen families miraculously get through this stage in 2 weeks time, more typically 4-6 weeks of time, and as long as months upon months upon months of time.  The families in our orphanage who are currently in MOI have unfortunately been held up there for too long.  We have no idea how long it will take for our paperwork to come through.  When it does, it will then head on over to passports, which hopefully will not take more than a few weeks to get.  After Nora has her passport, we will then enter USCIS (US Immigration).  The current time frame for USCIS has been running about 4-6 weeks as well from entering to take home date!  So, yes, we still have several more months to go, but IT IS COMING!!!!  Please continue praying for our process and paperwork to get through these last steps with no more major hold-ups.  Hopefully soon we will not just have an official "Thieszen" but a "Thieszen" who is HOME with the rest of us...Praise the Lord!

It Still Feels Like Winter

Well, here we are on April 25th.  My last post was March 27th.  Almost a month has passed and it seems as if our miracle under the surface I wrote about in that last post is still hibernating and growing where I can't yet see it.  It's pretty fitting that our actual springtime weather seems to be just as elusive!  As I sit here, I look out at the dark, cold horizon and wonder if it will only rain today or if snow will be in the mix again as it was yesterday.  Snow in the mix on April 25th...will spring ever come?  I found it ironic that my boys were watching one of their favorite Franklin movies the other day called "Franklin and the Green Knight".  At one point in the movie, the characters begin a song to try to wake up spring.  I found myself singing a line from that song all day long..."Wake Up!  Spring, where are you?  Wake Up!  Come on, Spring, let's have some fun."  If only it would work.

That is a wonderful parallel to my thoughts about our adoption process.  Just like the longer than normal return of spring, I find myself currently wondering if our adoption decree will ever come.  We spent 8 months in IBESR, the first stage of the Haitian side of this process, which included being on the President's desk waiting for his signature.  This was "supposed" to be the long haul part of this process.  However, at almost 7 months of waiting to simply get our legalized adoption decree, I have come to know first-hand that what was "supposed to be" is simply different for each family's story.

I know our decree will come.  Just as sure as spring will indeed appear at some point, it will come, but it has been a long winter and the effects of the cold wind, hard ground, and wintry mix hitting my face has taken a toll.  I'm beyond ready to see evidence of fresh, beautiful life coming out to meet my eyes.  Beyond ready to see an email grace my inbox folder with a photo, not of my beautiful daughter, but of a beautiful decree that claims Nora is now a legal "Thieszen". (Although photos of Nora are always welcomed!)

The "toll" I just mentioned this long season has had on me comes out in different forms on different days.  Some days I'm angry while others I'm filled with peace.  Some days are anxious ridden while others are secure.  Some days I'm on my knees and others I'm online messaging my fellow adoptive Mamas who are in the boat with me just to remember I am not alone in my human reactions to all I face.  Some days I dance for joy despite the pain and others I find myself in a puddle of weeping tears.  One of the more recent songs on the radio gives a pretty good representation of my heart at this point in the process.  It's called "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.

Although this song represents a pretty good overview of my thoughts/feelings, there are a few lines I thankfully still don't resonate with.  This is the most prevalent..."I've lost my will to fight".  Oh, no, this Mama will never lose her will to fight.  Each day there is an underlying faith, trust, and hope built by my unending, undying, ever-needed intimacy with my God.  Without Him I would be at such a loss.  With Him I can continue the fight even when I'm worn beyond myself.  I find myself ever-thankful and grateful to God because I have been able to journey through much more than I ever thought possible with His help.

So, how do I keep on in the fight with Him?  How do I continue on in the journey of winter until spring eventually comes?  Those are great questions that I unfortunately don't have a great answer to right now.  I'm struggling to understand my current place in the battle.  I'm struggling to know how to be the best soldier for the Lord.  As much as I would love to go grab a hold of my papers traveling through the different offices in Haiti and somehow move them along so much faster than what the lawyer is doing, I know that is not possible--it's not the role God has called me to in this fight.  I have to rely on another to do that part of the battle for me.  As much as I want to daily be loving on Nora in a much more tangible way, I know that is not possible--it's not the role God has called me to right now (oh how it aches to even type that).  We have been blessed that Nora's nannies and our director are extending daily love and care to Nora in our absence.  So, as far as what is left to do in the fight...I just don't know how to be an active part of this process beyond prayer and immense love for Nora at a distance.  Although that "should" be enough, it is really, really tough to not be doing more.

One way I recently tried to be a more active role was to make an additional trip to Haiti.  A few weeks back, after many tears and talking through options, Micah and I decided to sacrifice a bit more money, time, and logistics to have me make an additional trip down to love on Nora in the next month.  My Mama heart LOVES this stage with my children.  18-24 months is a stage of wonder to me.  Their personalities are coming alive and I absolutely delight in watching it unfold.  I have been having a terrible time knowing that these beautiful moments are happening in Nora and I'm missing them.  We decided a long weekend trip where I could just relax with her, love on her, watch her, and bond more with her would be very beneficial at this point in the journey.  It would give me a place to be "active" in this journey.  Sadly, however, when I inquired more about dates to make this trip happen, I found out the guest house is full for the next two months and a trip would not be able to happen.  A closed door.  I can not sit here saying I'm not heartbroken.  I can't say it's "fine" to be told you won't be able to go visit your own daughter.  It hurts.  It is a hard closed door to be starring at, but I know that God is still working all things out for good.  Again, it's my faith in the Truth and Character of the God who loves me deeply that sees me through times like these.  It's an awesome thing the guest house is full for the next two months--that means that many, many teams are there helping offer medical, dental, or other care to these beautiful people.  There are ways to see light even in your own darkness, but it doesn't mean you don't still have your own darkness to get through.  I know God has a plan and when closed doors happen, I have to continue knowing He loves me and is always on my side.  He will open another door for me soon.  I don't know what that looks like, but it will happen.

So where does that leave me?  I can't help the paperwork along, I can't take care of Nora's daily needs or tangibly show her my love right now, I can't even make a short trip to see her.  I can't make an email show up in my inbox and I can't make this process happen faster.  I can't, I can't, I can't...  This is where I find myself today.  The reality of my thoughts right now is I feel surrounded by a lot of "I can'ts" and I'm searching for a "I can" to hold on to.  Some days I get instant answers to those type of questions and other days I'm left with silence.  Today, I'm still with silence.  I'm still searching.  I know I can pray.  I know I can believe.  I know I can keep learning valuable, life-changing things God is revealing to my heart of hearts along the way, but for some reason, these are not enough.  I'm not finding peace in doing these things.  I believe there is something more I can do, but it hasn't been revealed to me yet.

In my time of loudly discussing these things with the Lord yesterday (yep, sometimes my "quiet time" with God is not very quiet),  I heard Him answering my rant with His loving, tender, calm voice once again.  He seemed to be saying to my agitated spirit..."Oh, Angie, I know what you are feeling.  I know what you are thinking.  I know all too well what it is like to want and desire to be more involved in helping good things happen when there is nothing much you can do.  I know what it is like to be in a position where you think or know you could make something happen if you only had the control of it, but instead, you are forced to rely on other people to do it for you and sometimes those people are not doing it quite like you want them to.  Angie, sweet Angie, try being in my shoes for a day.  This is what I feel, this is what I deal with moment to moment with my creation.  My children (you included at times) run wild, you chose to ignore me, you chose to walk on paths not meant for you, you choose second-rate life instead of the abundant life I have planned for you, you choose sin and corruption instead of love and forgiveness, you chose your broken selfish desires over the richness of what you could have if you saw yourselves how I see you.  Oh, how I understand your desires for good.  Oh, how I long to be able to do more than I can do in the lives of those I love, but until they willingly come to Me and ask of Me to help them, show them, guide them, walk it with them, and bring it to them, I will remain in this same type of place.  The place where I see "I can'ts" ruling over "I cans".  It breaks my heart as well.  Today, Angie, rest knowing I feel your pain and even though you can't do a lot of things, you can love me and love others well.  When I can't do what I want to do to help my children, I can still love them fiercely where they are at and continue to hope and believe things can change so I can eventually do more.  The rest will be revealed to you as you go, but for now just practice loving.  Continue to trust Me.  I am here and I am able."

And so I come to today...April 25th...worn, but trustful.  Weary, but still fighting.  Not filled with answers, but filled with love from a God who has a good plan and understands where I am at more fully than I even do myself.  I'm still bundled in my winter coat while my spring jacket hangs on a hook just begging to be worn.  I'm heading out into the cold temperatures with the promise that spring will eventually come...probably not today, but some day.  I'm heading out with the promise that the miracle of a legalized adoption decree, eventually a passport, a visa, an airplane trip and a daughter in my arms in my own home with her daddy and siblings all surrounding her is still growing just under the surface, but today...it still feels like winter.

Just Beneath the Surface

It's Springtime!  Well...by calendar anyway.  Clearly the weather is not quite spring-like since I'm still seeing patches of snow out my window, but low and behold, it is at least on the brink of Springtime.  I love Spring.  In addition to Spring, it is also the week of Easter.  Yesterday, I posted some of my thoughts about Easter (read post here).  Today, I want to tie that theme of Easter into a picture God has also placed in my heart over the past few days...the picture of Spring.

Easter is the celebration of LIFE Jesus Christ was given after 3 days of being in the depths of death and hell.  It is a time where we look amazingly at an empty grave and thank the Lord of Lords for raising to life that which was dead.  It is a time we remember that our God is still living--He is not dead, He is risen indeed.  It is a time where we honor Jesus as the Hero, the Conqueror, the Victor over all that comes from Hell with all that comes from Heaven.  It is the miracle of all miracles that saves our souls.  Jesus' resurrection, however, was not a miracle created on a whim during the waking hours of day 3.  It was a miracle that had been a very, very, very long time in the planning...in the making...in the growing...in the perfecting.  It was a miracle God had been in control of for far longer than any human would have ever known...a miracle just beneath the surface.

Comparably, when I think of Spring, I think of the wonder of new life being seen all around me.  Just as Christ broke through the hardness of sin and death on Easter morning, these tender living greens are breaking through the surface of the hard winter ground to catch their first glimpse of the warm spring sunshine.

Spring is a time of watching all that seemed dead come alive.  However, again, like Christ, just as the miracle of His resurrection was not made on a whim, the miracle of these green plants breaking through the surface of the ground is also not something done on a whim.  There has been life, action, growth, perfection--the miraculous--happening just beneath the surface.  Just because the human eye did not see the happenings of the seed under the soil does not mean it was always going to remain just a seed.  God had been working beneath the surface on the miracle He desired us to eventually see--a beautiful, green, living plant.  Likewise, just because the human eye did not see what all Christ was doing on our behalf in the depths of hell does not mean He was going to be left as a wrapped corpse on a slab of rock.  God had been working on the miracle He desired us to eventually see--an everlasting and loving offer of freedom.  God has always been at work--a miracle in the making despite what we could see.

Watch this brief video and be amazed at what all was taking place beneath the surface before anyone on ground level would have even known...

Did you notice before anything else, this tiny seed's roots were developing downward.  Essential for it's survival--it needed a root to grown deep down into the soil for nourishment.  Without the water from under the surface there would be no hope in a plant growing upward.  When a mini-drought came, the growth of the plant was halted.  When water returned to the roots, the plant continued its growth.  Half way through the video was the first breakthrough of the top layer of soil (stone).  Half way through the video, the miraculous would have been seen by the human eye on ground level.  Half way.  However, because we could watch from the side we now know there were so many critical events happening in that first half of the video.  The miraculous was happening beneath the surface.  Did you also notice that even after the plant had broken the surface and was basking in the beautiful sunshine where all seemed right and well, it still was supported by the miraculous happening under the surface?  When the soil dried up and the roots had no water, once again the plant began to wilt.  What was happening beneath the surface was STILL the most critical part of the process of sustained life.  When water returned, the plant became full of life once again.

So many parallels, friends.  So many good Truths to glean from the happenings of Easter and Springtime.  No matter where you are at in life, I would bet you have at least one thing happening where you are staring at an unbroken surface and wondering if God is really there.  Is He really caring?  Is He really doing anything?  Is a miracle really ever going to be there for you?  I have two situations that come to the forefront of my mind.  One is private and will remain that way.  One is more public--our adoption.

When I look back over the past year and 9 months, I can see, in my humanness, where I have questioned what on earth God is doing.  Why He seemed distant and silent.  Why He seemed to be taking so long to get Nora into our arms.  Why He seemed to not be answering some prayers while definitely answering others.  All of those have, thankfully, been times where He has come to my broken and weary human place and whispered words of assurance.  Truths that even though I am still only seeing the unbroken ground, He is feverishly at work on the miraculous just beneath the surface.  That He is not necessarily the One making all the things happen or not happen on the surface level because He's too busy making sure the work under the surface is everything it needs to be for the miraculous to be seen by the world.  I believe He truly does desire for the miraculous to never be solely kept underground, but to be seen by those on the surface.  He wants that moment of all moments--the moment the living green breaks through the dark soil--to be the most holy and profound moment because that is how much He loves us.  He only wants us to see and have the best.  The best.

I believe He is doing this very thing in our adoption--I know without a shadow of doubt He is working just beneath the surface.  I trust Him and have faith that He is growing the most beautiful, perfect moment of miraculous breakthrough.  I am so excited, so anxious, so anticipatory towards this moment, friends, that is hard for me to sit still while the work is underground.  My eagerness, my desire, my passion to get Nora home comes purely out of that desire to finally behold the most profound miracle moment I will have witnessed in this entire process.  To behold with my own eyes the height of the work of God.  I simply can not wait to see it all!  I believe Him to be doing the very same things in my more private situation as well, even though that situation is completely different...He is still growing a miracle so amazing it is going to knock our socks off.

There is LIFE happening, friends, where I can not see it.  There is LIFE happening where you can not see it.  There are roots digging deeper and deeper into a fertile soil that will sustain the plant as it gets closer and closer to the surface of human view.  There is a continual water source available for those roots to utilize in the wait, in the breakthrough of the ground, and in the continued growth once in human view.  A water source available to sustain the miraculous work happening even when we do not see it ourselves.  My responsibility or "job" in the wait, in the stillness, in the wintertime, is to trust God to be doing a work I can not see and to keep my roots fully engaged in the living water He has for them.  I pray if you have found yourself in a similar place as I have, you, too, will gain hope and excitement as you rest in the knowledge that Your God has not left you with unbroken ground.  He has not left the miracle as a seed under the soil or a body in a grave.  He is simply still personally preparing the most perfect miracle for you because He loves you THAT MUCH!

And guess what, friends?  It's Springtime!  It's almost time for us to behold the breathtaking sight of all the miraculous work God has been up to just beneath the surface.  Have I mentioned how much I truly love Spring?

Easter is Not About Bunnies

*Before you begin this post, please note some images here are not appropriate

for young children, thanks!*

It's Easter week.  We have celebrated as an extended family a little early this year.  Chocolate bunnies, egg hunts, and baskets full of goodies have been given.  It was a wonderful time of fun and fellowship with my family.  A wonderful time of watching the kids get excited about presents and spending time playing games with each other.  But, this is not the only place my mind and heart go to during the approaching days before Easter.  After all, Easter is not about bunnies.

Over the past two years I have had a new stirring in my inner being when Easter is approaching.  A stirring that represents a new-found appreciation, gratefulness, and humbleness of what all Christ has done for me.  A new place of reverence for the events we are supposed to be celebrating each year during Easter time.  No, friends, Easter is not about bunnies...it is about the triumph of all triumphs, the rising of Christ from death to life, from hell to Heaven, from the tomb to the ever-living LIFE.  Growing up I don''t think I ever fully grasped this concept.  I was too caught up in the Easter Bunny to give much thought about Christ.  Even as an adult I have found it super easy to focus on making sure I'm stocked up with plastic eggs and fake green grass for the kids instead of taking the moments to allow the Truth of this critical event to penetrate my soul and spirit once again.  It's not that I haven't heard the true message of Easter before, but my newer found freedoms God has spoken into me have just heightened the magnitude of my appreciation levels to new places. 

If you haven't figured it out by now, I am a visual learner.  I find myself understanding concepts and events much quicker if I have visual aids like photos, videos, demos, etc. to stand in the gap of the words being spoken to me.  For those of you out there like me, I hope this post will help you better grasp the events we are celebrating.  No doubt even these images and videos will do it no justice, but at least for me it helps me work past traditional and "cute" Easter images like this....

to get me to the heart of the real story...a holy man--the Son of God--who died on a cross of shame for me, a fierce battle fought against the most evil of all evils, the rightful claim of the keys of hell, and the victorious return of Christ from hell itself to offer His freedom and gift to each and every one of us.

Perhaps you are like me and have been made a bit desensitized from the events of Easter.  Typically I see images such as these to describe the different aspects of the story.

First of all, there is Satan:

Then, there is hell:

Next we have Jesus:

And His crucifixion:

His fight against the enemy:

And then finally his victory over death:

 

That sums it up, right?  Wow.  I'm just not sure that does anything for me.  Not sure that really gives me goosebumps or makes me understand the importance of the victory He supposedly gained for me.  It doesn't really make me grateful or humbled.  It doesn't seem to capture the pure evilness of Satan, the pure agony of hell, the fierceness of the battle in hell, or the miracle of life coming back from the dead.  It also does not convey a sense of the magnitude of the love Christ has for me.  When looking at images like these, I tend to think thoughts more along the lines of "Well, I'm happy to have Jesus in my heart and I'm glad he defeated evil so I could live with Him in Heaven for eternity.  I'm sure his death was gruesome and the events afterwards miraculous, but I just don't get it."  Anyone else?

This isn't what I really want.  What I really want is to know down in my very marrow that God loves me, and to do that I need to connect on a more "real" level with what all He did for me on that Easter time so long ago.  I need to see what He fought against for me.  I need to remember He not only risked His life for me, but He GAVE His life for me.  I want to know, as best I can, the extreme gravity of the atmosphere of hell that He went to, fought through, and defeated FOR ME.  Because His love for me was that intense, that passionate, that serious.  Seeing images like these next ones help put at least a bit more of reality into my picture of what Easter is all about...

Jesus, the Lover of my Soul...

loved me so much and wanted me to come into His Freedom so much that he died on a cross for me...

He went to the darkness of death and hell for me...

Puts a whole new perspective on the cute little church song about the gates of hell not prevailing, huh

He actually fought Satan for me...

Are you starting to get uncomfortable now?  Are you starting to get the picture of the literal hell Jesus went through in order to show you how much He loves you?  I look at these pictures--mere depictions of what might really be--and am humbled to speechlessness.  I think if I had one actual look at the fires of hell engulfing fellow humans or a fraction of a glimpse at the horror of Satan himself, I would be scared to death.  Literally.  I would be so filled with intense fear that my heart would simply stop beating...I mean, come on, just looking at these pictures has me completely on edge.

If the photos have not done it for you, perhaps this will.  I know this is not Jesus...nor is it Satan, but whenever I watch these scenes from the popular film series, "Lord of the Rings",  I can not help but get choked up at the parallel of the stories.  To know that someone would be willing to sacrifice their life for mine and for all others before me and yet to come gives me chills like no other.  It is the ultimate story of the Hero protecting and saving His bride from all evil and it gives a more realistic interpretation of the power Good has over Evil because of the sacrifice of One...

Like Gandolf in this video clip, Jesus faced all horror, all fear, all evil at it's worst without hesitation.  He dove head first with all power and all authority into the darkness of death and hell to fight and kill the Beast once and for all.  And He did it all for me.  And you...and your neighbor Gary, and your uncle Henry, and your sister Marcy, and your librarian Nancy, and your kids' bus driver Tom, and the clerk at the grocery, and the semi driver in front of you, an your _________ and your __________ (you fill in the blanks).  Get the picture?  Jesus Christ loves us all so much that he did the unthinkable, unlivable to us humans--he conquered death itself out of the power of the love He has for each and every one of us.  And when He did, He came back with these...

With the keys of hell in hand, He overcame death and breathed again the breath of eternal living...

He did all of this so that those who believe in Him, accept His sacrifice, and are gifted by His grace, forgiveness, and mercy will have eternal life with Him

And that, my friends, is Easter.  The remembrance, the awe of what He has done, the thankfulness for His sacrifice, the all-due glory for His triumph and victory over all evil, the celebration of a life we NOW can have because of the freedom He gained for us, and the anticipation for the life to come when we die and never have to face the horrors He faced, but instead be ushered directly into the presence of an Almighty Loving God...

  

I pray that as I stand in my church on Easter Sunday, raising my hands in worship, and partaking in Communion, I will be reflecting not on Easter bunnies, eggs, lilies, or even the family Easter meal still needing the last touches, but instead solely on the unfathomable sacrifice and gift Jesus has given me.  That I will be humbly honoring Him for the Warrior He was in death and the Victor He is life.  That I will believe afresh in the core of my being that because I have Christ, I have nothing left to fear, I have everything to live for, and I have so many others around me who still need to know that same freedom.

Jesus, come this Easter, and fan a new flame of freshness in each of us that ends up igniting a fire so widespread that nothing and no one will be untouched by Your love.  Thank You for all you have done and continue to do out of your love for us.  Amen.