This morning we got some not so forward-movement news from Haiti and I posted this on facebook:
Well the latest news from Haiti sent
early this morning was that our papers did not get dropped off to the
Embassy last week as we were led to believe they were. (Shucks) Our
director is now waiting until she has the corrected passport and
sending them all at the same time. The work we thought the Embassy
would be doing while the passport was being corrected will not begin
until the passport is corrected and all is turned in together. This
could set us back again for several weeks. Please pray for a fast
passport correction so we can continue to move forward. We also found
out this morning that there is still one more paper she is also
waiting on and this is also why our other completed papers were not
already sent to the Embassy yet—she is waiting for that paper to
save time and gas with the trip to PAP. Please pray for this paper
to become available as well as the corrected passport so we can move
forward. Thank you!
One of my college friends who has been
an active prayer support through this adoption then commented this in
reaction to my post, “Oh Angie!! Steps forward one step back.
Praying those papers get moving! It has to be frustrating that all
the holdup to having your girl at home is because of paper!!!!”
I went to post a reply comment, but
several minutes into typing I realized this was not a “comment”
type of reply, but instead, an entire blog post reply. So, here is
my reply to my friend AND, remarkably, the answer to my previous blog
post's question that I mentioned wanting to tackle...the question of
“Why is waiting so tiring?” I think you will see the answer
unfold before you as you read on.
So without further ado, my thoughts in
reply to this: “It has to be frustrating that all the holdup to
having your girl at home is because of paper!!!!”:
Well, paper, yes, AND human mistakes
when working on those papers! Yes,
there is no doubt about it, it IS frustrating. It's frustrating to
know that what one person with our form on their desk could most
likely get it done in a matter of a day (or even a few hours of a
day) but hasn't yet will potentially hold up our homecoming date by 3
weeks now. That if the person typing up our passport would have just
double checked their typing for 30 more seconds to see the one wrong
letter, I could be holding my girl in my arms for potentially 3 extra
weeks beyond what I now get to. Yes, “frustrating” is the word I
would pick. Basically it boils down to this...if humans weren't
involved in the process then Nora would be celebrating her 2nd
birthday with her family at the end of this month instead of
celebrating it in the orphanage still. There isn't much about the
adoption process that isn't frustrating if you look at it through the
lens of logical thinking. And that is the ongoing battle....logical
thinking verses the higher call of Christ. The higher call of
extending grace, forgiveness, and peace in the midst of a broken
world with broken processes all being carried out by broken people.
Today, friends, much the same as every
day on this adoption journey (or through life for that matter) I have
a choice to make. I can choose to dwell on the “what if's” and
the “if only's” that come with every bit of news from Haiti. I
can choose to be disappointed in the efforts of those I will never
meet who have touched our paperwork and not moved it along fast
enough for my liking. I can choose to dwell on the logical and be
completely frustrated OR I can choose to set aside the rational
thinking and the frustrations that come with it and look to God to
overcome it with a peace that passes all understanding. I can look
to a God who has power and authority to move things that would
otherwise be at a standstill. To trust that God is bigger and more
good than any human effort ever will be. To trust that God's grace
covers not only me, but all those who are working on our papers.
When I got the email this morning, for
example, at the same moment of feeling frustration and
disappointment, I have to admit I also was thinking this, "Okay,
God, here we are again! This isn't working out like we hoped and I
need You to show up with Your power and authority that goes beyond
what humans can even imagine. You are in control and when all else
seems hopeless, You are STILL alive, active, and moving on our
behalf. Like Toby Mac's song says, 'If you want to steal my show,
I'll sit back and watch You go.' So, GO, God, GO!" With those
two contradictory thoughts/feelings simultaneously happening in my
mind this morning I am left with a choice to make...which one do I
believe, which one do I base my attitude on, which one do I focus on
for the remainder of the day? The disappointment or the hope. The
heavy burden or the light?
For me, honestly, I need to do both and
I think it is actually GOOD to briefly carry the heavy burden before
giving it up, but let me explain why. For a moment of time, first, I
need to be frustrated and disappointed and feel the weight of that
burden on my own shoulders. I need to remain in my heartache long
enough to acknowledge it properly and know what it feels like to be
weighed down like that. I am not one who likes to be numb to the
pain of life--to push it aside and try to pretend it isn't there.
Nope, I'm the one that will live intensely right in it and get
everything and anything the Lord has for me there before moving on.
I want to KNOW the weight of what I am eventually handing over to
Christ to carry for me. When I allow myself to carry it for a bit of
time (and that time frame varies with each situation) I find myself
even more grateful for a God who willingly and lovingly takes it from
me and carries it for me. Wow, such sacrifice He gives for me. If I
never allow myself to carry the weight of it all, would I ever
comprehend even a fraction of that sacrifice? Would I be able to
truly thank Him for what He has done for me if I don't even know what
it was?
If you are like me, however, and choose
to carry those burdens on your own for a short amount of time, there
comes a critical moment where you also have to make the decision to
give them up or you will quickly sink into living the life God never
intended for you to live. A life of relying on our human, sinful,
imperfect self or other human, sinful imperfect selves to bring
lasting relief, comfort, and help. Such a lie. We have no ability
to do such things. Only Christ. I was never created to carry heavy
burdens. You were never created to carry heavy burdens. Christ was.
This decision to lay your burden—your frustrations—your pain—at
Christ's feet is harder than you think. In the heat of the pain,
Satan encourages us to believe the lie that the burden of carrying it
really is not as bad as admitting to Christ we need help to carry it.
It's subtle, but it's there and if we choose to believe it, we
forfeit God's gift of grace and move on through life carrying weights
we were never meant to carry. After carrying it just long enough to
know the weight of it, I have to give it up if I want the fullness of
God in me. If I want the freedom of a lighter load.
So, what does that look like? What
does leaving your burdens at the foot of the cross really mean? It
sounds nice, but what does it mean practically for us humans? What
does the lighter load look like on a daily basis? For me, I am not a
person who can go through life empty handed—I am wired to carry
something. If I'm not carrying a heavy load of burdens and God wants
me to give it up and let Him carry it, I've still got to hold onto
something so I don't pick it right back up again. Maybe it's because
tend to be a person of compassion towards others—I can visualize
Jesus carrying all my crap and I feel bad enough that I think I
should take it back (see Satan's lie covertly slipping right back in
there!). So, for me, leaving it all with Him requires picking
something else up to replace it or I'll end up right where I started
again. I personally replace the burden with Scriptural Truth. That
is what I carry so I'm not empty handed...Scripture. Pure and
simple...and quite frankly, much easier and lighter to carry. Today,
for example, the Scripture I chose to carry instead of my frustration
of this current set-back in our adoption is this: John 16:33, “I
have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this
world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the
world.” I can dump my burden on Christ and chose to carry the
Truth that even though I will have trouble in this world, God Himself
has overcome it. Much more refreshing, hopeful, and energizing to my
soul. Truth for a weary traveler who still feels the need to carry
something along the road, but is tired of carrying the heavy stuff.
Yes, I had to look the Scripture up. I wish I had more memorized,
but I just don't. I had to work to find it, but the release of the
heavy weight and current carrying of this lighter load was worth the
10 minutes it took for me to find it. In even more practical terms,
perhaps writing this short verse of Truth out and actually carrying
it around with you for the day would be a great way of constantly
reminding yourself of how you have chosen to not carry the burden.
Do you see it, friends? Do you see the
answer to why this wait is so tiring? Because every day I am faced
with choice after choice after choice of whether I carry the heavy
burden or trade it in for much lighter Truth. My brain/my spirit has
to constantly be in decision mode of what I'm going to carry that
day. Some days I'm still carrying the heavy load and those days are
much more tiring, while other days I chose to take the time to look
up Truth to replace the burden. It still takes work to get to the
easier load, but it is worth it in the end. To conclude, I'd like to
leave you with this illustration. I'm a visual learner, so for those
like me, hopefully this will help etch all I have written above into
a neat little image you can think of in a split second when you need
it.
God wants us to be a day-hiker. Yep, a
day hiker. Life and every situation within life is a hike. We are
on the move—we are going somewhere—we are hiking. I say “we”
because God sent His Son, Jesus, to hike right alongside us.
Sometimes there are even others on the trail too, but eventually all
the others will have to stop to tie their shoe or take in a
breath-taking scene and we will find ourselves with only Christ by
our side. To prepare for the hike, we have packed all we think we
will need for the life-long journey. It is all jammed into our
mammoth backpack and let me tell you—it is HEAVY! However, it
truly is what we need to make it through every situation that may
come at us along the trail so it is essential to have that backpack
with us. We begin this hike thinking we are the one who is supposed
to carry that darn heavy backpack each and every day of the hike, but
actually that is not Truth. Remember, we were never created to carry
heavy burdens. Christ was.
Christ is not hiking the trail beside
us just to keep us company, He is hiking it beside us so that He can
carry that backpack for us. He desires us to use Him and all His
crazy amount of strength along the journey. Instead of carrying that
backpack, Christ is offering us the chance to life life—hike the
trail—as if we were a day-hiker. Do you know the major difference
between a through-hiker (one who is on the trail for longer periods
of time) and a day-hiker? A through-hiker has to carry the heavy
backpack because their journey is multiple days and a day-hiker has
to carry a water bottle and some small amounts of food—only the
essential needed for their body to successfully get through ONE DAY
of hiking. That's it. One day. They carry only what they need for
that day. This is what God created us to do. To hike the life-long
trail one day at a time. To hike with all that we will need for an
entire life-long journey on the back of Jesus while we carry the
water and bread we need to make it for that day only.
And what has He said in Scripture is
the “water and bread” we need to make it through that day? Dt.
8:3 says that “man does not live
on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the
Lord.” Scripture, friends! Scriptural Truth is the water and
bread that will keep our bodies readily able to walk the day-hike
before us. If we need anything else, we have nothing to fear because
it is still within our reach—just carried for us by Jesus, ready
for our time in need. All we need to carry is the light load of
Scripture—that little piece of paper with Scripture written on it
or that compact Bible that can fit in your purse or pocket. Can you
picture how amazing this way of life is? You are still hiking—still
putting forth effort, still working, still climbing, still facing
challenges and dangers along the trail, but you are doing it all with
very little weight on your shoulders and much more energy to enjoy
the view, help fellow travelers, and have amazing conversations with
your Traveling Buddy. Seems like the way to live...the way to hike.
As a day-hiker.
Don't take my word for it though. Take
His:
- Ps. 68:19, "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."
- Ps. 81:6, “I removed the burden from their shoulders; their hands were set free from the basket.”
- Mt. 6:31-34, “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
- Romans 12:2, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
- Philippians 4:19, “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”
- Psalm 55:22, “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”
And, as far as the "steps forward and then a step back" thing my friend mentioned in her comment...I found this photo once along this journey and it brought a smile to my face. It's all in our perspective. I've been known to say I think I'll be a Latin dancer when I get to Heaven because I love it so much but don't quite have what it takes in my human form...ha!
