Heavy Burdens, Choices, and What it Means to Live Life as a Day Hiker

 This morning we got some not so forward-movement news from Haiti and I posted this on facebook:

Well the latest news from Haiti sent early this morning was that our papers did not get dropped off to the Embassy last week as we were led to believe they were. (Shucks) Our director is now waiting until she has the corrected passport and sending them all at the same time. The work we thought the Embassy would be doing while the passport was being corrected will not begin until the passport is corrected and all is turned in together. This could set us back again for several weeks. Please pray for a fast passport correction so we can continue to move forward. We also found out this morning that there is still one more paper she is also waiting on and this is also why our other completed papers were not already sent to the Embassy yet—she is waiting for that paper to save time and gas with the trip to PAP. Please pray for this paper to become available as well as the corrected passport so we can move forward. Thank you!

One of my college friends who has been an active prayer support through this adoption then commented this in reaction to my post, “Oh Angie!! Steps forward one step back. Praying those papers get moving! It has to be frustrating that all the holdup to having your girl at home is because of paper!!!!”

I went to post a reply comment, but several minutes into typing I realized this was not a “comment” type of reply, but instead, an entire blog post reply. So, here is my reply to my friend AND, remarkably, the answer to my previous blog post's question that I mentioned wanting to tackle...the question of “Why is waiting so tiring?” I think you will see the answer unfold before you as you read on.

So without further ado, my thoughts in reply to this: “It has to be frustrating that all the holdup to having your girl at home is because of paper!!!!”:

Well, paper, yes, AND human mistakes when working on those papers! Yes, there is no doubt about it, it IS frustrating. It's frustrating to know that what one person with our form on their desk could most likely get it done in a matter of a day (or even a few hours of a day) but hasn't yet will potentially hold up our homecoming date by 3 weeks now. That if the person typing up our passport would have just double checked their typing for 30 more seconds to see the one wrong letter, I could be holding my girl in my arms for potentially 3 extra weeks beyond what I now get to. Yes, “frustrating” is the word I would pick. Basically it boils down to this...if humans weren't involved in the process then Nora would be celebrating her 2nd birthday with her family at the end of this month instead of celebrating it in the orphanage still. There isn't much about the adoption process that isn't frustrating if you look at it through the lens of logical thinking. And that is the ongoing battle....logical thinking verses the higher call of Christ. The higher call of extending grace, forgiveness, and peace in the midst of a broken world with broken processes all being carried out by broken people.

Today, friends, much the same as every day on this adoption journey (or through life for that matter) I have a choice to make. I can choose to dwell on the “what if's” and the “if only's” that come with every bit of news from Haiti. I can choose to be disappointed in the efforts of those I will never meet who have touched our paperwork and not moved it along fast enough for my liking. I can choose to dwell on the logical and be completely frustrated OR I can choose to set aside the rational thinking and the frustrations that come with it and look to God to overcome it with a peace that passes all understanding. I can look to a God who has power and authority to move things that would otherwise be at a standstill. To trust that God is bigger and more good than any human effort ever will be. To trust that God's grace covers not only me, but all those who are working on our papers.

When I got the email this morning, for example, at the same moment of feeling frustration and disappointment, I have to admit I also was thinking this, "Okay, God, here we are again! This isn't working out like we hoped and I need You to show up with Your power and authority that goes beyond what humans can even imagine. You are in control and when all else seems hopeless, You are STILL alive, active, and moving on our behalf. Like Toby Mac's song says, 'If you want to steal my show, I'll sit back and watch You go.' So, GO, God, GO!" With those two contradictory thoughts/feelings simultaneously happening in my mind this morning I am left with a choice to make...which one do I believe, which one do I base my attitude on, which one do I focus on for the remainder of the day? The disappointment or the hope. The heavy burden or the light?

For me, honestly, I need to do both and I think it is actually GOOD to briefly carry the heavy burden before giving it up, but let me explain why. For a moment of time, first, I need to be frustrated and disappointed and feel the weight of that burden on my own shoulders. I need to remain in my heartache long enough to acknowledge it properly and know what it feels like to be weighed down like that. I am not one who likes to be numb to the pain of life--to push it aside and try to pretend it isn't there. Nope, I'm the one that will live intensely right in it and get everything and anything the Lord has for me there before moving on. I want to KNOW the weight of what I am eventually handing over to Christ to carry for me. When I allow myself to carry it for a bit of time (and that time frame varies with each situation) I find myself even more grateful for a God who willingly and lovingly takes it from me and carries it for me. Wow, such sacrifice He gives for me. If I never allow myself to carry the weight of it all, would I ever comprehend even a fraction of that sacrifice? Would I be able to truly thank Him for what He has done for me if I don't even know what it was?

If you are like me, however, and choose to carry those burdens on your own for a short amount of time, there comes a critical moment where you also have to make the decision to give them up or you will quickly sink into living the life God never intended for you to live. A life of relying on our human, sinful, imperfect self or other human, sinful imperfect selves to bring lasting relief, comfort, and help. Such a lie. We have no ability to do such things. Only Christ. I was never created to carry heavy burdens. You were never created to carry heavy burdens. Christ was. This decision to lay your burden—your frustrations—your pain—at Christ's feet is harder than you think. In the heat of the pain, Satan encourages us to believe the lie that the burden of carrying it really is not as bad as admitting to Christ we need help to carry it. It's subtle, but it's there and if we choose to believe it, we forfeit God's gift of grace and move on through life carrying weights we were never meant to carry. After carrying it just long enough to know the weight of it, I have to give it up if I want the fullness of God in me. If I want the freedom of a lighter load.

So, what does that look like? What does leaving your burdens at the foot of the cross really mean? It sounds nice, but what does it mean practically for us humans? What does the lighter load look like on a daily basis? For me, I am not a person who can go through life empty handed—I am wired to carry something. If I'm not carrying a heavy load of burdens and God wants me to give it up and let Him carry it, I've still got to hold onto something so I don't pick it right back up again. Maybe it's because tend to be a person of compassion towards others—I can visualize Jesus carrying all my crap and I feel bad enough that I think I should take it back (see Satan's lie covertly slipping right back in there!). So, for me, leaving it all with Him requires picking something else up to replace it or I'll end up right where I started again. I personally replace the burden with Scriptural Truth. That is what I carry so I'm not empty handed...Scripture. Pure and simple...and quite frankly, much easier and lighter to carry. Today, for example, the Scripture I chose to carry instead of my frustration of this current set-back in our adoption is this: John 16:33, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” I can dump my burden on Christ and chose to carry the Truth that even though I will have trouble in this world, God Himself has overcome it. Much more refreshing, hopeful, and energizing to my soul. Truth for a weary traveler who still feels the need to carry something along the road, but is tired of carrying the heavy stuff. Yes, I had to look the Scripture up. I wish I had more memorized, but I just don't. I had to work to find it, but the release of the heavy weight and current carrying of this lighter load was worth the 10 minutes it took for me to find it. In even more practical terms, perhaps writing this short verse of Truth out and actually carrying it around with you for the day would be a great way of constantly reminding yourself of how you have chosen to not carry the burden.

Do you see it, friends? Do you see the answer to why this wait is so tiring? Because every day I am faced with choice after choice after choice of whether I carry the heavy burden or trade it in for much lighter Truth. My brain/my spirit has to constantly be in decision mode of what I'm going to carry that day. Some days I'm still carrying the heavy load and those days are much more tiring, while other days I chose to take the time to look up Truth to replace the burden. It still takes work to get to the easier load, but it is worth it in the end. To conclude, I'd like to leave you with this illustration. I'm a visual learner, so for those like me, hopefully this will help etch all I have written above into a neat little image you can think of in a split second when you need it.

God wants us to be a day-hiker. Yep, a day hiker. Life and every situation within life is a hike. We are on the move—we are going somewhere—we are hiking. I say “we” because God sent His Son, Jesus, to hike right alongside us. Sometimes there are even others on the trail too, but eventually all the others will have to stop to tie their shoe or take in a breath-taking scene and we will find ourselves with only Christ by our side. To prepare for the hike, we have packed all we think we will need for the life-long journey. It is all jammed into our mammoth backpack and let me tell you—it is HEAVY! However, it truly is what we need to make it through every situation that may come at us along the trail so it is essential to have that backpack with us. We begin this hike thinking we are the one who is supposed to carry that darn heavy backpack each and every day of the hike, but actually that is not Truth. Remember, we were never created to carry heavy burdens. Christ was.

Christ is not hiking the trail beside us just to keep us company, He is hiking it beside us so that He can carry that backpack for us. He desires us to use Him and all His crazy amount of strength along the journey. Instead of carrying that backpack, Christ is offering us the chance to life life—hike the trail—as if we were a day-hiker. Do you know the major difference between a through-hiker (one who is on the trail for longer periods of time) and a day-hiker? A through-hiker has to carry the heavy backpack because their journey is multiple days and a day-hiker has to carry a water bottle and some small amounts of food—only the essential needed for their body to successfully get through ONE DAY of hiking. That's it. One day. They carry only what they need for that day. This is what God created us to do. To hike the life-long trail one day at a time. To hike with all that we will need for an entire life-long journey on the back of Jesus while we carry the water and bread we need to make it for that day only.

And what has He said in Scripture is the “water and bread” we need to make it through that day? Dt. 8:3 says that “man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.” Scripture, friends! Scriptural Truth is the water and bread that will keep our bodies readily able to walk the day-hike before us. If we need anything else, we have nothing to fear because it is still within our reach—just carried for us by Jesus, ready for our time in need. All we need to carry is the light load of Scripture—that little piece of paper with Scripture written on it or that compact Bible that can fit in your purse or pocket. Can you picture how amazing this way of life is? You are still hiking—still putting forth effort, still working, still climbing, still facing challenges and dangers along the trail, but you are doing it all with very little weight on your shoulders and much more energy to enjoy the view, help fellow travelers, and have amazing conversations with your Traveling Buddy. Seems like the way to live...the way to hike. As a day-hiker.

Don't take my word for it though. Take His:

• Ps. 68:19, "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."
• Mt. 6:11, “Give us today our daily bread.”
• Ps. 81:6, “I removed the burden from their shoulders; their hands were set free from the basket.”
• Mt. 11:28-30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
• Mt. 6:31-34, “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
• Romans 12:2, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
• 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
• Philippians 4:19, “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”
• John 6:63, “The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life.”
• Psalm 55:22, “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”
  
  And, as far as the "steps forward and then a step back" thing my friend mentioned in her comment...I found this photo once along this journey and it brought a smile to my face.  It's all in our perspective.  I've been known to say I think I'll be a Latin dancer when I get to Heaven because I love it so much but don't quite have what it takes in my human form...ha!
  
  

  

  
   

Sometimes Mothers Don't Know Best...Lessons from a 7 Year Old's Birthday

I've been mulling over the content of this post for several weeks now.  The more I chew on it, the more it speaks to my heart of hearts and the more my heart of hearts smiles.  I smile not because of something I have done, but because of the work of the Lord in my daughter's heart and even my own.  He certainly loves us all and calls us all to be missionaries of His love to others...even 7 year olds.

Let me take you back several weeks with me.  The scene would be my almost 7 year old daughter sitting on a couch asking me when we are going to send out her birthday party invitations.  Birthday invitations, yep, almost forgot those.  In all the planning of when the party will be scheduled, what the theme will be, what decorations we'll use, what the cake will be decorated as and how many people we will invite, we somehow missed also figuring out WHO we will invite and actually getting the invitations in the mail.  Oh the woes of birthday party planning...there is so much to do.  However, we did have to get those invitations out because the party was just a few weeks away and the rest would be pointless if there were not people there to enjoy it all.  So, with that background, the work of the Lord began.

I told Lily to get a piece of paper and write down the names of the girls she wanted to invite to her party.  We previously agreed to invite only 6 girls this year because, with her included, that would make 7 girls total and she was turning 7 years old--seemed fitting.  (Last year we had 13 girls and it was...well...a tad overwhelming).  So, with pencil and paper in hand, Lily made her list.  When she handed it to me, I was surprised to see names of young girls I had never heard of before instead of the familiar names of the ones we've seen grow up beside our daughter over the past 7 years.  Where were the names of her closest friends?

Instantly, I began to derail the work of the Lord.  "Um, Lil, I don't even know these girls.  Who are they?  Why didn't you put your best friends on the list?"

Looking at me like she had never even thought of that notion, Lily answered, "Well, these are some of the people I know from school and the bus, Mom.  I wanted to invite them to my party."

Still oblivious to my undermining, I said, "Well, that's sweet of you, Honey, but since you can only invite 6 girls, don't you want those to be your closest friends?  Don't you think your friends will be sad if they are not invited to your party while other people you don't know very well were?"

"But, Mom," Lily pleaded, "these girls haven't ever been to my house yet and I thought it would be fun to have them come to my party so I could show them where we live and my room and toys and stuff."

To which, in my not-so-glamorous moment, I replied, "Well, I understand that you want to have other girls over but let's do that some other time this summer and invite your closest friends to your birthday party instead, okay?  That way you get to celebrate with your friends!"

With a roll of the eyes and a "Yes, Mom," Lily began erasing well-meaning names off her list and replacing them with her "closer" friends just like her mother told her to do.  (Insert hind-sight shutter).

Mind you, I had no guilt over my decision to have Lily change her invitation list.  No reservation that I had perhaps not made the right choice.  No further thoughts that made me question if my motherly advise was good or not.  I mean, come on, this is what parties are like, right?  A place of celebration where our closest friends surround us and cheer us on.  A place where you are the highlighted person amongst your peers or co-workers or family members for a short time because of an accomplishment of some sort--like turning another year older.  For young girls, a birthday party is a place where you get to open presents, eat cake, and laugh the hours away with all of your friends.  It's not a time or place where you actually do Kingdom work...is it?  Well, I believe God has a differing opinion than I did.

The very next morning, forgetting the events with my daughter the evening before, I opened up my Good Morning Girls Bible study reading to a passage in Luke 14.  That's when everything started to unravel and God got my attention.  If there is any question on whether the Bible still applies today, this is an example of how I could answer that with a profound "YES!"  The active and applicable Word of God is what opened my eyes to the Truth.  Read with me...

Luke 14:12-14
"Then Jesus said to his host, “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid.  But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind,  and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”

Ouch...a good ouch. Instantaneously, I had complete conviction over my oh-so-wise mothering decisions the evening before.  How could I be so blind to the way I was misguiding my precious daughter away from her innocent and tender way of being a follower of Christ's ways?  How could I be so gullible to following the ways of this world...the ways of adults...the ways of conditioned people who think selfishly of who they WANT to be around for a few hours instead of who they SHOULD be around for a few hours.  How did I miss the holiness of my daughter's choice of guests?  I was so grateful for the wake up call.  So grateful for God's Word.  So grateful He didn't leave me in my shallowness, but drew me into a deeper knowledge of His ways and His desires.  I knew I needed to have a talk with Lily when she got off the bus that afternoon and was so excited to express my sincere apologies and seek forgiveness from her.

After Lily bounded off the bus, I sat down on the couch with her and told her I needed to show her what I read in the Bible that morning.  We read the passage together and I apologized for not following what Christ had taught there.  I also thanked her for her heart's desire to reach out to those who had never had the chance to come to our house or be invited to one of her special parties.  I made sure she knew she was very, very right in her train of thought and that her heart was so very good.  I told her, in the end, it really didn't matter who she invited to the party--whether it was some of her closer friends and family or girls she had never invited over before.  What was important was following the whispers Christ had put into her heart and not allowing others (even her very own mother) stand in the way of that.  I gave her the paper back and told her to please invite whomever she wanted to invite, and that if there were new friends on that list, I would be excited to get to know them better.

So, she did rewrite the list...back to the original almost and I couldn't have been more elated.  A 7 year old missionary of Christ's love.  Yep, that is what I have growing up in my presence.  A 7 year old who has a heart that beats to the drum of the Lord.  A 7 year old who is willing to sacrifice sharing cake with her "besties" in order to bring others into her home who haven't had that chance yet.  A 7 year old who is more focused on others feeling included and loved than on what others will think of her decisions.  A 7 year old who I am so very blessed to have as my daughter.  A 7 year old who just schooled her mom on how to live like Jesus.

I'm thanking the Lord for her today.  Thanking the Lord for using her and His Word to teach me, once again, that even though I'm the mother, sometimes mothers don't always know what's best.

P.S.  She had a fun, crazy loud party with other precious young girls whom we were blessed to get to know a little better.  Praise the Lord!

Autopilot Mode or Ever Hungry?

Yesterday morning, I had a sense that God was tenderly, yet earnestly, calling me back to His Word.  Yep, I said back to His Word.

To be honest, I have been a bit on autopilot lately.  Do you know what the definition of "autopilot" is?  It's "an airborne electronic control system that automatically maintains a preset heading and attitude."  Yep, that is precisely what I have been...automatically on a one-way mind plane.  Surprising to you, however, may be the fact this autopilot mode of mine has not been like ones in my past where I have found myself doing my own thing and not really including God in my life.  Instead it has been one of being in love with how good God is and how much I love what He is doing in my life.  It has been an autopilot mode where my preset heading and attitude has been one of awe in my Creator and Lover and King.  I have been noticing and soaking up so much of God's presence during the little moments of my day-to-day life, allowing worship songs to penetrate my heart, trusting Him with things I never have before, deeply caring for others who are sharing their wounded selves with me, and even finding myself simply thanking God for His Goodness in so many areas of my life.  It has been a GOOD autopilot mode, but nonetheless, it has been autopilot.

When I get in autopilot mode (whether it is good like it has been, or bad where I forget to acknowledge God's presence at all because I'm so "me" focused) my tendency, unfortunately, is to not pick up my Bible much.  Even though my faith has been growing and my trust of God has been thriving, I still lack the discipline of opening His Word to hear even more invaluable Truths He has for me.  This is not good and not what God desires.  By not regularly going back to His Word for more, it's like I'm saying to this amazingly good God in my life, "What I have for now is enough for me--I don't really need anything new from You.  Thank You for what you have already given me and taught me because it has changed my life, but I'm not sure my life really needs any more changing right now--it's actually quite good!  I'll just come back again when I feel a bit sluggish and need a good pick-me-up, thanks."  Or, "I'm full, God.  I'm content.  I'm satisfied.  You've given me a meal that has left me nourished!  I don't really need more of You right now because I'm pretty happy and content with life."  Ouch.

When I read those lines, I know that God's red flags must be going off.  He's got to be saying, "Nooooooo!  This is not what I had in store for you...I want you to be finding Truth and living a life in freedom, but I never wanted the Truths you have recently discovered to be the only Truths that sustain you for all your days to follow!  There is more!  So.  Much.  More.  My Truth is never-ending and always ready to bring yet another freedom into your heart of hearts if you just come back for more!"  I believe He wants me to be "ever hungry for more of Him in this life".  That's part of my life's mission statement I developed about a year ago (written in the right-hand column of this blog), and I believe God had me put it in there for a reason.  I need to be reminded to get into God's Word because He will always have more for me to chew on and find sustenance in.

This is why I believe God only allows us to go, go, go in autopilot mode...even GOOD autopilot mode...for a short period of time before He begins the whispers of wooing us back to His Word.  He loves us so much He wants us to have even more of Him.  Without continual feedings, we can not go for long before we burn out...even on "good" fumes.  So, yesterday, I answered those whispers I had been hearing in my heart and mind for a few days at least.  I made a point of cracking open my Bible and reading some more exciting Truths God had for me.  I walked away from that time in His Word questioning why I ever let myself stop reading this Book in the first place...it's so rich and good and life-giving!

I came across a passage beautifully spoken in II Thessalonians that spoke right to my heart in light of this adoption.  It's always awesome to see God's Word active and alive in my situations today.  A text written most like by Paul for a Thessalonian church in the early A.D. 50's impacted my day yesterday.  How cool is that!  Here is the passage (in the NIV version and then in The Message version).

"With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of His calling, and that by His power He may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith.  We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." ~ II Thessalonians 1: 11-12 (NIV)
OR

"Because we know that this extraordinary day is just ahead, we pray for you all the time—pray that our God will make you fit for what he's called you to be, pray that he'll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with his own energy so that it all amounts to something. If your life honors the name of Jesus, he will honor you. Grace is behind and through all of this, our God giving himself freely, the Master, Jesus Christ, giving himself freely." ~ II Thessalonians 1: 11-12 (The Message)

 It is certainly my hope that others are praying for me/us in this adoption.  That their prayers would be for us to be worthy of God's call on our lives to adopt.  That only through HIM and His power would this adoption be fulfilled.  We know our purpose for adopting Nora is good and an act of faith for us.  This was not in our "plan" for our lives.  It was not something we have always deeply desired to do.  We feel God has called us to open our hearts and home to another human being who deserves a loving family and we are being faithful to act on that calling.  It is an act prompted by faith.  It is something we desperately want prayers for God's power to be shown through.  We are adopting with the prayer that Jesus' Name may be glorified by the actions of our lives and that our lives will be touched by the glory of our God's grace in the process.  It has been so awesome to watch Him working through the details, fighting for Nora to be home with us, and changing our hearts along the way to be even more compassionate for what God's Will is.

It is passages like these that slow me down, bring me out of autopilot mode, and make me savor yet another Truth He had for me today.  A Truth I would have never found if I would have continued in my autopilot mode of even just praising God for His goodness.  A Truth I would have never found if I would have never opened His Word.  It is tempting, friends, to bask in this new Truth for a few days and return to the GOOD autopilot mode I keep finding myself in, but again, I know there is more in His Word for me to find.  More spiritual food to partake in.  I have to choose today to be living in my mission instead of autopilot mode.  I have to be ever hungry for more of God in my life because there is always more of God to discover when I open up that Good Book of His.