"Suffering" at 6 Months Home

6 months.  I can not believe it.  6 months IN an adoption paperwork process seems like an eternity.  Seriously.  I can not stress that enough.  E-tern-i-ty.  6 months POST paperwork process...well that has flown by like nothin' flat.  Some days it seems like we should still be at 1 week home and yet 6 months have passed.  Wow.  It's mind boggling.  Before I go on with the main gist of this post, let me give you the specs on Nora at this point as well as some perspective against her big sister...

Nora at 2 years old: 23 lbs. 5 oz. and 32 1/4 inches tall
Lily at 2 years old: 26 lbs. 7 oz. and 33 1/2 inches tall

Nora 6 months later: 28 lbs. and 35 3/4 inches tall (an almost 5 lb gain and 3 1/2 inch growth)
Lily 1 year later (3 yrs.): 32 lbs. and 37 inches tall (a little greater than 5 lb gain and a 3 1/2 inch growth)

So...what Lily did in one year, Nora has just done in 6 months home.  Yep, that's nuts...need a visual?  Here is Nora the day after we got her home...

And here she is 6 months later on the day we had her dedicated at our church...notice how much closer she is to that door knob!

Okay now that you have all gotten your "cute fix"...onward with the post...

I have actually put off writing this post because it's not going to be an easy one to write.  I've also put it off because finding a chunk of quiet time to write is harder to come by these days.  May is a very busy month in general and this year has been no exception.  So, you put that crazy calendar schedule together with a blog post I'm more hesitant to write and walla...you have an overdue 6-months-home update.

If you remember my post from last month I was sharing how we had experienced some backwards movement with Nora.  You can read about that here if you missed it.  It was a tough month of trying to figure her out and feeling as if I had gotten no where.  However, I'll be the first to admit that this past month seemed even harder yet.  This time, however, it was not so much Nora having issues as it was myself.  In case you didn't know it yet, friends, adoption is hard stuff not just for the kiddo but for the parent too.  Parenting in general is also hard stuff.  Having a 2 year old is, as you may have guessed, also hard stuff.  As much as I don't want to admit it, the combo of the 3 have taken a toll on me and I'm a bit spent.  Physically, emotionally, and spiritually "spent".

I won't go into the details of the physical part because, quite frankly, I just need to get back out there walking the neighborhoods and eating healthier like I was during our process, but haven't prioritized it like I should be.  Not much else to say about that.  It is what it is.

Emotionally, I have been all. over. the. board.  I have seen myself get downright weepy over a random video of a whale being saved by a man in a speedo (oh my), gone shopping for retail therapy a *few* times, been more angry and frustrated at my youngest than I ever thought possible, felt compassion I can not fully yet understand for people I don't even know, fallen more and more in love with my husband, and found myself journaling out my prayers inside our van parked in an empty lot for almost 3 hours just to try to comprehend what on earth is going on with me.

At times I have felt out of control, guilty, confident, and determined all at the same time--how is that even possible???  If you don't know me well, I like to be in control or at least have a game plan, and this past month I have felt the complete opposite emotionally.  I have tried some homeopathy supplements to take my edge off, taken many deep breaths with my husband's gentle guidance, cried myself to sleep on more than one occasion, and prayed and prayed and prayed, but nothing seems to have "worked" to get me out of this place.  It is a hard place to admit I am in because it does not build up a sense of strength and dignity about myself.  It is raw and vulnerable and ugly, but it is where I am at.  It has humbled me to a core.  I do not want to stay here long by any means because it is exhausting, but I am also not one who believes that being in an uncomfortable place is always bad either.  God has a purpose for everything and will bring good out of it all.  It is a place I know I will grow from, learn from, and come out of much more reliable on the only One who is 100% reliable.  I know God has something rich for me even here in my place of emotional instability.

That is what leads me to the spiritual part of my last month.  I believe whole-heartedly that God is right in the midst of my spiritual "spentness".  When we come to Him empty, He does have what will fill us.  The hard part is we have to come empty and the emptying process is not always never all that fun.  I loathe empty.  It feels...well...empty...and what person wants to feel that?

The first weekend of May I spent Friday night and all day Saturday at my church's showing of the "IF Gathering".  This was an incredibly powerful, Spirit-filled event for women that took place in Texas back in February.  It was simulcast to various places across the nation and that was then recorded and made available for purchase here.  Our church purchased it and showed it to a room full of thirsty women.  The results were like one of the ladies said on the weekend, "It's like I came for a drink of water and someone just put a fire hose in my mouth."  Yes, yes, yes, I will attest to the truth of that statement.  I left the event with a wealth of empowerment to try to do a better job at being "Jesus" to those around me.  To stop just talking about my faith and start living as if it were real (because, duh, it is).  To be fully where I am and yet fully excited about what God has for me just beyond what I can see.  I could honestly write a whole blog post on that event itself, but I'll hone in on one thing that has to do with my current situation as a "spent" adoptive mom in the thick of it.

Suffering. Yep, suffering.  One of the main points of Ann Voskamp's talk was on how if we want to build a genuine, PASSIONATE love for another person, we have to be ready to willingly, or better yet willfully, suffer for that person.  Yep, I'll say it again...suffer for that person.  She reflected on how the word "passion" originated with the sacrifice of Christ on the cross out of His love for God's people.  Passion, and therefore passionate love, was born out of suffering.  This reflection moved in my heart in an empowering and yet humbling way.  You see, I have been struggling to passionately love Nora.  Heck, I've been struggling to simply love Nora well let alone passionately.  Not that I don't love her at all, but it is a love that has much room for growth.

My conversation with God in that "aha moment" while listening to Ann speak became automatically defensive.  "This doesn't seem fair, God!  I WANT passionate love for Nora.  You know I NEED to have more passionate love for her.  But if suffering is the answer, why isn't it already present?  Certainly I HAVE suffered for this girl.  Are you kidding me?!?!  2 years and 4 months it took to get her here.  Many nights of tears ugly cries and sleeplessness.  Fundraising and explaining for the umpthteen time why it takes so long to get through this paperwork nightmare.  Praying for patience, action, understanding, movement, a miracle, answers.  Watching others hold her and hug her and love on her while I sat empty handed.  Hearing others tell me of her first crawl or her first time using a spoon on her own while I put another season of clothes into the garage sale pile unworn.  Seeing pictures of empty eyes and half smiles while I was left longing to be in the photos with her.  All those days of just wondering who she really is, what she really likes...oh, God, You know I have suffered alright.  I have suffered the long and hard process of this adoption.  So bring on the passionate love, God!  Where is it?  Why do I not feel it?  Why am I not seeing the "loving results" of my suffering?"

Yes, you see, I was defensive alright.  And perhaps one could justify my line of thinking...I mean, I certainly did in that moment (heck yes I did), but then there is God who rightfully has the throne of what is truly Just.  Then...right in the thick of my selfishness, God's Spirit spoke into the core of my heart in such a gentle, loving way..."Yes, Angie, I know you suffered to get her here and that suffering DID cover the amount of passionate love I desired for you to have for her during that time, but now...now that she is home...I wonder if she needs even more than what she did then.  Are you willing to suffer for her now even more than you did for those 2 years and 4 months?  Are you willing to continue the suffering in order to increase the passionate love she needs now?  Would you consider the notion that your suffering then was not enough to cover the love I want you to have for her over her lifetime and that even more is required?"

Woah.  Seriously?  Suffer more?  Really?  Friends, the Holy Spirit's way of talking to our heart of hearts is never complicated.  It is so gentle, so simple, so True.  It cuts through the clutter like a knife.  It's not always easy to do what He is directing us to do or even easy to hear what He is saying, but it is always simple to understand when we bring ourselves empty enough to hear it.  But right now, in month 6, I'll be honest...I'm still not quite empty enough.

I wish my answer to God's invitation to suffer more for Nora this past month was better than it was.  I wish I could tell you exactly what "suffering" even looked like and how I was playing that out.  I wish I could write that I took those words to heart and they instantly changed me into a person who was willfully suffering for her daughter (and even others) all the time. That through my suffering, my love for Nora had infinitely grown in depth of passion already.  Yet if I would write those words, it would unfortunately be a lie.  The truth is, I have not done this well yet.  I don't even know where to begin.  I have much to learn and much to grow in as far as suffering for Nora in the day-to-day life of our home.

Last time I checked, "suffering" isn't something that anyone--including Christ--ever WANTED to do.  Even in those last moments before He was taken captive, Jesus asked God for that cup of suffering to be taken from Him if it could be.  Even Jesus didn't WANT to suffer.  Perhaps the place I find myself in currently is hard because I am so "spent" physically and emotionally.  For whatever reason I feel as if I need to be in tip top shape in all areas before heading into a place of suffering.  Like a reprieve from the suffering of the adoption process would be nice before beginning a whole other level of suffering again, but if I reflect back on Christ's example, He, too, was at a point of weeping drops of blood over the agony of His upcoming events just before enduring the most intense suffering one can imagine.  Christ had no reprieve.   Even in the exhaustion of this place I find myself in, Jesus has pure empathy for me because He has lived it to a degree way beyond my own.

So, I think I'm finding myself in a very, very similar place to Jesus in Gethsemane.  A place where I am reluctant, scared, tired, leaning and praying against a Rock and asking God to take the cup from me instead of making me suffer for the name of love.  However, just as Jesus prayed that ultimately not His will, but God's will be done, I know in my heart of hearts, underneath all the resistance, I find myself in the same place.  I really, really want to do God's will despite the cost of it all.  He means everything to me and I will go to my grave doing all I can in return for the love, grace, and freedom He paid for me.  And...I really, really want to deepen my passionate love for Nora and others despite the suffering it will cause.

Truly, adoption is the story of Christ exemplified in ways that never cease to amaze me.  The beauty even in the hard place is that I am not the first to have walked this path and that the path is one leading to abundant life that I, and we all, were meant for.  His suffering brought about a love that can never be matched.  My suffering for Nora, whatever I find that to be and whenever I end up emptying myself enough to actually do it, will bring about the passionate love I know I am called by God to have for her as her Mama.

Will you join me in prayer for God to continue to reveal what the next steps are for me to empty myself fully before Him as well as what my suffering really looks like tangibly?  Will you also join me in prayer for the many other moms out there (adoptive moms or not) who all need direction, encouragement, and support as they choose to suffer for the love of their children as well?  I believe that the next generation can be forever changed and shaped by passionate, willfully suffering moms filled with a love for their children none could have imagined if we choose to come empty enough for Christ to fill us in this way.  That is my personal hope and prayer for my Lily, Tobias, Quinn, and Nora.

5 Months Home...It's like the Cha-Cha

Here we are...just a few days past the 5 month home mark for Nora.  With each month's passing I find myself wanting and needing to reflect back over the past month to give perspective.  Most months I see progression when I do these updates which brings encouragement, but this last month I found myself thinking back to a photo I had used in a previous blog post about our adoption process...

It seems as if this saying still holds true to life once they are home.  I wish I could say that with each regressive step, I have this optimist's mindset and see it as a lovely dance, but some days I am certainly seeing things more as a disaster than the Cha-Cha.

Yep, this past month has been trying on various levels.  It seems several areas where we were seeing progress with Nora took a turn in the wrong direction and we found her and ourselves a few steps back from where we were.  Things she had been communicating to us in clarity, she began mumbling and whispering so we couldn't even understand her.  Things she had been doing correctly, she began purposefully doing wrong.  Things she had been not as scared of, she began having fits about.  We've been dealing with more intestinal issues again.  She's been pulling off her sleep cap again after so long of never even noticing it being on.  Some issues are a bigger deal than others, but overall, it was a tiring and frustrating month of knowing she had the ability to do things (because we had seen her doing them) but for whatever reason, was deciding she wouldn't do them anymore.

If you haven't met Nora in person or spent a good deal of time around her, you wouldn't really know how strong-willed she is and how well she can "play" a person.  Her looks are sweet and she can really crack a person up with her fun, outgoing, smiling spirit, but when she is not getting her way...well...get ready for any one of the following to happen.  The exasperated body melt to the floor with a dramatic "Nooooo.....", the stubborn "no, Mommy" and a pouty lip, the screaming fit complete with kicking legs, biting, or throwing things (thankfully this one has not happened often at all), the "I'm just going to pretend I don't hear you while I look away" tactic, or my latest not-so-favorite game...when being caught doing something wrong I'm just going to say "Hi!  Hi, Mommy!  or Hello, Mommy!" in the sweetest voice possible with a shy smile to try to divert the attention away from what I was just doing wrong.  Uuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh...it's unnerving at points.  How a toddler can take a sweet and innocent greeting and turn it into the tell-tale sign that she's been naughty is just wrong.

All of these things are a step back from where Nora was, however, in the larger picture, I also know they are moving in the right direction in not the best ways.  She came home very dependent on us to make every decision for her and now that she is gaining a voice and a sense of security within our family, there is no doubt going to come testing of that new found place.  I have to keep remembering that this is not the end and this is not ultimately who Nora will be or even wants to be--she's just feeling her way through life trying to know what she can do and what she will not be able to get away with.

Now anyone who has had a 2 year old will read those paragraphs and think...well, that's just Nora being 2--it has nothing to do with her being adopted.  I would agree with you...and then, I would also add there are even more challenges attached to her than just a biologically raised 2 year old in a family.  And that is where it gets tricky to know exactly how to handle each situation.  As the Mom, I am constantly questioning, second-guessing, debating, etc. what her actions are really telling me.  Is it her strong-willed personality coming out, is it her outgoing personality that I'm not used to, is she detaching from us, is she not understanding what I'm asking of her because she doesn't know those English words yet, is this how she got away with things with the nannies, is this, is this, is this, is this....the list goes on.  With every action, reaction, or dis-action, I find myself trying to figure it all out once again.  I typically end up frustrated that I really have no sure way of knowing and then taking my best educated guess at how to handle it this time.  Those struggles are adoption related.  If she would have been born into our family and raised by us since birth, I at least would have had 2 years of background to form my opinions on.  I would have known this is her tendencies, this is her "tired" fight, this is her "sugar buzz" craziness, this is something new I've never seen before, etc. but because I don't have those 2 years of observation, EVERYTHING is something I've never seen before and everything is trial and error.  Honestly, it is exhausting in an every day kind of way.

In some of those hard moments this past month when I've reacted once again in ways I don't want to towards actions I can't seem to control or correct or have any seeming impact on at all in her, I've found myself feeling very inadequate as her Mama.  It's every mom's worst nightmare...feeling like she's just not good enough as a parent.  That instead of being in control of our children and doing a great job at training them in the way they should go, we are living by the seat of our pants and trying to not react out of the complete frustration and anger building inside of us.  That even though we know God has called us to this place He seems to have ill-equipped us for the journey.  Now, I know, those are all lies, but in the heat of another moment where you feel you are the only one in the room completely out of control, they are unfortunately what speaks louder than the Truth.  Why is it so darn hard to hear Truth in the moments of desperation and emotional height?

I know God has called me to this and I know He is seeing me through each and every moment, cheering me on, believing in me, and whispering "You've got this, my love, you can do this.  I will help you."  But in those moments when I'm alone at our house with the kids and no one is seeing how tired I am of being the mom who just had to put my child in time out for the fourth time and it's only 10:30 a.m....well, those are the moments Satan whispers "You can't do this.  You aren't doing this.  You're not doing it right.  The nannies were better caregivers to her than you are.  You're making her dislike you instead of love you.  You're not showing her the love she needs and deserves.  You're not...you're not...you're not...  Even though you want to do better, not yell as much, not get so angry, not get so irritated, smile more, love her more...you. never. will. be. able. to.  You'll never be the mom you want to be.  You'll always be this.  This mom who is such a disappointment to yourself and your kids.  This mom whose children will one day not call you blessed."

Gut-wrenching, huh.  No one in their right mind would believe those lies, but anyone in their tired mind will.  Those are the lies I hear running through my head.  Those have been the words spoken to my soul over this past month and I'm just worn out and tired.  Choosing to believe the Truth takes energy and self-motivation and when you are in the trenches, those two things are harder to come by on your own.  It's critical in those times to be covered in prayer and to be immersed in God's Truth in order to fight off the lies.  I find when I have those (prayer and the Word), I see life like the optimist in the photo--the steps back are part of the Cha-Cha.  When I don't have those, I feel like an utter failure who will never get it right.  So, this past month, to be quite honest, I have had both prayer and been reading Scripture, but not to the extent I know I need it to conquer these lies.  I am typing this feeling more like a failure than an esteemed woman and mother.  Things need to change.  For my sake, as well as my children's sake.

So, that's where I'm at.  It's not been a glorious month, but it's been reality.  Every month along the journey will not be amazingly wonderful.  All that to say, this past month has not all been horribly doom-and-gloom around here.  There are always silver linings.  There were hints of some majorly good God-things stirring in other areas of our family life that I'm excited about.  There are some steps Nora HAS taken forward--mainly, those being in her eating habits, her paralyzing fear of animals, and her vocabulary.  There were some amazing conversations with each of our children happening in the normalcy of everyday life that I will always treasure.  There were good, good, good prayer times I participated in revolving around the people of our church.  There were fun get-a-ways and outings where we got to see our children have fun, laugh, run around, jump into a swimming pool with abandon, and FINALLY enjoy the fresh warmer air of spring.  There are always blessings to be found in each and every day if we choose to look hard for them.

I'll close this post the way I have been most of these monthly updates...a few photos from this past month as well as a few videos I think you will enjoy seeing.  I will also close humbly asking for anyone ready and willing to get on their knees for me and our family to please do so.  I need something fresh, Truthful, and powerful to break down the lies stored in my brain and I need a whole new level of love to come from me to Nora.  I know it typically doesn't just "magically" happen in the world of adoptions, but I really, really want to at least take a step forward this next month into a deeper level of love and understanding of our little girl.  So, onward we march into the next month...or maybe I should say onward we dance.  Perhaps next month will not be so much like the Cha-Cha, but more like the Waltz.

Once again, I'm not sure why I've not been able to embed my YouTube videos here, but if you click on these two links, you will be taken to the two videos I mean to have posted here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCmIiUns-gc&feature=youtu.be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3W_5EpeKf7c&feature=youtu.be

Pampered toes ready for warmer weather!

Love playing games each day with this guy.

Lily's "crazy hair day" which, I think, turned into more of "cute hair day"

Toby, our LEGO master creating his own chomping alligator

Lily and I at the Count  Basie Orchestra concert

Swimming time!

Our day trip to the Meijer Botanical Gardens in Grand Rapids, MI

Cousins!

Can We Talk About Prayer?

Friends, can we talk about prayer here for a minute (or more than one minute because, who am I kidding, my blog posts mini books take much more than one minute to read)?  Prayer has been a struggle for me throughout my entire journey as a Christian.  Feeling like I don't pray enough, I'm not prayer "focused" enough throughout my day, feeling guilty I wasn't praying more for others instead of myself, telling others I would be praying for them and then forgetting to actually do it, not praying for my husband like "The Praying Wife" book told me I should be, and even looking up to those I labeled "prayer warriors" and thinking I would never be like them because, for whatever reason, I just couldn't grasp how to pray the right amount of times in the right way with the right attitude.  

Sure, despite all of the above, I still prayed.  I mean, I'm a Christian, right.  Prayer is what we are supposed to do.  I prayed at meal times, during the church service, with our children before bed and occasionally at night in bed with my hubby.  I even took times to journal out more detailed prayers when I was facing big decisions, hard situations, or joyful experiences I wanted to remember, but even those prayers didn't help me feel like I was "a praying woman".  Prayer, as I knew it, was supposed to be a time of talking with God, but in my times of prayer, I still felt distant from Him...like I couldn't fully trust Him so I prayed what I felt I was supposed to pray instead of what I really wanted to say to Him.

Within the last several years, however, God has had me on a journey of discovering some Truths about Him I was failing to believe.  Truths such as the fact He is good 100% of the time.  (Hard to believe when you've experienced situations where you are at a loss on how a "good" God could allow tragedy to happen.)  That He loves me fiercely.  (Hard to believe when you have experienced rejection.)  That He desires His children to have an abundant life. (Hard to believe when life doesn't always feel "abundant".)  That He is always in the business of answering our prayers.  (Hard to believe when you pray for something and it never happens.)  See the pattern here?  I was refusing to accept Truth out of some very real hurts in my life experience.  I was making God to be who I wanted Him to be instead of seeing Him for who He was, is, and always will be despite my own opinions.  I was not believing Truth and it was time to stop.

The more I allowed myself to claim the Truths about God to actually BE Truth, the more I found myself desiring to be near Him.  The True God was much more attractive to me than the one I had made up in my own head.  I began believing, despite my situations, that He IS good.  Truth.  I began believing He DOES love me fiercely.  Truth.  I began believing He does desire His children to have an ABUNDANT life.  Truth.  That He is ALWAYS in the business of showing up when we pray.  Truth.  Basically, I began believing that God desired relationship with me and the way to build that relationship was through open, honest communication.  No more praying the way I thought I was "supposed" to.  No more feeling guilty that my prayer wasn't long enough, good enough, on my knees, or for myself.  I just prayed/talked with a God I now trusted to be who He had always said He was.  I allowed the God who loved me to actually love me.  And, friends, that's when life began to change.  There is nothing so profound as living a life as a person who believes in the Truths of God and trusts Him faithfully...it literally draws you into communion with Him.   It draws out a passion and desire to be a person who prays.

​You see, it's not about me.  Prayer is not just about me.  That's too one-sided.  If prayer was all about me, that would not even be prayer...that would be self-reliance.  Prayer is about me AND the God who created me, loves me, desires to be with me, is genuinely interested in what I'm interested in, and aches over what I ache over.  Prayer is about communion with that God.  Relationship with Him.  Conversation with Him that allows Him to know me better and me to know Him better.  Prayer is intimacy with God.  An intimacy that drops down the walls of keeping another outside of your "safe zone" and allows them to stir up passions and pains you never even knew you had within you.  It is sharing the depths and nakedness of your heart and soul to the very One who created it, knows it best, and can affirm or convict it in the purest and holy way possible.  It is intense and life-giving at its core.

Currently, I do consider myself a "prayer warrior", but not because I'm praying all day long with bruised knees from being on them so much or because I think God listens to my prayers now any better than what He used to, but because I believe that anyone who is praying is a warrior.  There is a battle going on daily all around us and even within us.  It's a battle for the Truth of God to be believed or for the Lies of Satan to be believed.  It's a battle for the Goodness and Love of God to be shown and experienced by others or the Condemnation and Discouragement of Satan to be taken as truth.  When we spend time in prayer--in conversation--with God, we take our place on the battlefield as a warrior fighting on His side.  Even in times when our prayers are questioning God because we just don't understand what He is doing, or yelling at God because we are so hurt we don't know how to make another move, we are still SIDING with God by inviting Him into our intimate place of vulnerability.  We are trusting that He is going to meet us there to because that's what soldiers on the battlefield together would do.  No matter what my prayer is or when I'm praying it, I am a warrior for His Truth to prevail against anything attempting to take its rightful place in my life, in my heart, in my thoughts.

Because of this new-found desire to actually believe God is who He says He is and to trust Him enough to have intimate talks with him (prayer), I have also had the extreme privilege of having my eyes open to the work He is doing around me I never noticed or acknowledged before.  It is a humbling place to realize you really have nothing to give God, but if you simply give Him yourself as a willing and empty vessel, He wows you with His wonders in your own life and in the lives of those around you.  Friends, God is a powerful God.  Can I say that again?  God is a POWER-FULL God!  When I pray, I get to tap into that power.  That's when I have eyes to watch His power working all around me.  It's not my own power, it's not my own abilities...it's simply God revealing Himself in a fresh and new way I never allowed myself to see before because I was too scared to open myself up to Him like that.  When I believe Him faithfully and trustfully, I am empowered to see His hand touching the world around me in such amazing ways.  I simply get to take it all in...like the front row ticket holder to God's show.

Specifically lately I have been encouraged and challenged to see God's power through prayer in three ways.  First of all, belief in the supernatural, or what I'm going to call "Godnatural" occurrences.  Second, in my ability to see visions that speak directly into situations around me.  Lastly, the unity of people who come together in more corporate times of prayer.  Let me just touch on all three here.

Godnatural occurrences.  This past fall I was gathered with a few others from my church at our typical Wednesday night prayer time.  One of the women came in and began sharing with the group that in a completely random and quite interesting way, a carpet cleaner at her personal home that afternoon asked if he could pray for her foot.  He didn't know why, but just felt like God's Spirit was asking him to do that.  She told him he was certainly welcome to do that because she had always had some issues with her legs/hips.  The carpet cleaner got down and prayed over her foot and she literally watched her leg grow in front of her eyes.  Because of that small growth, she began walking around her room and did not have her familiar pain anymore.  What?!?!?!?!  Her leg grew?  Through the prayers of a man who originally came to clean her carpets?  What?  If that is your reaction, let me assure you that was mine too.  She shared this Godnatural occurrence as if it was as common to her day as picking up the daily newspaper.  We sat there in amazement that God had just grown her leg and praised Him together.  I piped up to the group, jokingly, and said, "I guess I should have him come clean my carpets cause my hips are always out of line too!"  We all kinda chuckled and went on with the rest of our prayer meeting.  As amazing as that event of the day was, I had no idea just how much it would impact my own life.

The meeting was done, I was getting my coat on, and low and behold one of the elderly women of our church who I have GREAT respect for came over to me and asked if I wouldn't mind sitting down on a chair.  I said "Sure!" thinking she would want to talk.  She looked at me and said, "Can I pray for you?  I haven't been able to shake what you said earlier about your hips and God keeps telling me I need to pray over you, but I've been fighting it.  I finally told Him that if you took a while to get your things gathered then I would do it.  Well, you took a while so now I'm doing it."  I thought, well, what the heck...might as well let her, you never know what could happen, but I highly doubt anything like what happened to the other woman was going to happen to me.  So, with that, she asked me to put my legs out straight in front of me and she noticed that one leg was just a tiny bit shorter than the other one.  I confirmed that yes, a chiropractor had told me that several years ago and told me to just wear a 1/4 inch lift under that foot and that would help my hips stay in line, but I had stopped doing that a ways back and was just trying to get chiropractic care to help with the pain.  She, in all her self-achy-jointed beauty, lowered herself down to my feet, grabbed my ankles, and prayed silently.  To this day I do not know exactly what she prayed in that moment, but I kid you not, my entire leg started to get warm and tingly and before our very eyes it grew out about a 1/4 of an inch.  All I could say was "I felt that!" with eyes wide open.  She looked up at me with a smile on her face and winked at me.  "Praise God!" she said towards the ceiling while we helped each other to our feet. Praise God indeed!

I want to say I couldn't believe that happened, but the best part of it for me was the fact I COULD believe it happened!  I had just spent a few hours in the presence of the Lord in prayer and I had come away from that time 100% sure that God was able to do anything.  I had complete confidence and peace that God had just done something completely "abnormal" in my body and made it seem completely normal to me.  I wasn't wigged out really or even shocked--I was joyful and thankful and humbled.  Of course God just grew my leg!  Why would I even doubt He could do that/would do that???  It is in His very nature to do what He had just done.  Why would I doubt that?  This elderly sister and I walked out of our church that day both touched by a powerful God.  She with the faith-building experience that if God lays it on her heart to pray for something, He will show up for it and I with my legs now the same length feeling oddly taller than I had ever felt in my life and walking straight for the first time I could remember.  My first ever run-in with a supernatural or Godnatural occurrence like that and it was to my very own body.  Yes, friends, God still does have the power to do the miraculous.  And just for the icing on the cake...ever since then I have had virtually no back/hip pain, I certainly don't need a lift in my shoe, and I am a stronger believer in the fact that God can go beyond what our human minds can even comprehend.

Seeing visions.  It seems as if God enjoys giving me visions during prayer that connect with something going on around me.  Some I understand and some I do not.  Seeing visions does not surprise me since I know I'm a visual learner in the first place.  He has brought to mind such images of rotting tomatoes, broken glass, petal-picked flowers, and many more to bring to life what He is asking me to be praying over.  They each have significant meaning that go beyond the images themselves.  They are illustrations brought to my mind while in prayer for things of deeper meaning.  The broken glass, for example, was in the parking lot of our church and there was a little girl very close to it. I was running over to try to keep her away from it and began the tedious task of picking up each shard so no one would get cut/hurt by it.  I found this vision coming to my mind as a group of us were praying specifically for our church.  I felt as if God was saying if we are asking others to come to our church and yet are still living lives like broken glass that can cut and hurt others, we first need to focus on cleaning ourselves up before inviting others in.  It was simple yet profound.  All of these visions God brings to my mind are just that.  Simple yet profound.  I have truly appreciated His way of speaking to me in my prayer times this way.

Lastly, unity in corporate prayer.  I enjoy praying alone, don't get me wrong, but lately I have really, really enjoyed praying with other people.  It helps me keep focused, gives me other insights, and broadens the scope of what needs prayed for.  It also brings me a unified spirit to the others around me.  Beyond the prayer group who meets at my church, I have found a similar unified group in my Moms In Prayer International group for my kids' school.  Each week these ladies and I gather to pray for our kids, their staff/teachers, the administration of the school system, their fellow students, and the events going on.  We praise God for who He is and watch Him answer our prayers and give us peace about the place our children are while away from us during the day.  I know these ladies have not only my back, but the backs of my children...through prayer.  There is a unity among us because we are all praying for the same thing...for God to be a wall around their school and a fire within.  Same with my church group...God is unifying us on what to pray for and what He is at work doing there.  It is always so exciting to hear your own heart's desires being prayed by another person in the group without them ever knowing what you were thinking.  Unity in the body is powerful and priceless.  Not only do those corporate times of prayer unify those of us who have gathered to pray, but it also unifies us with those we are praying for.  I have a deeper connection to all those who surround my children through their school day.  I'm more invested in them because I am praying for them and I am believing that God is going to do some mighty works in their lives.  In the same way, I have formed some pretty deep passions for the people of our church because of our weekly gatherings of prayer there too.  I care more about specific situations and people because I have been praying for them.  It's life-giving all the way around.

So, all of this...deep intimacy, connection, passion, desire, power, joy, excitement, love, healing, freedom, miraculous and Godnatural happenings, abundant life...this has all been taking place in my life because of prayer.  Because of spending time with God allowing Him to get to know me for who I truly am and me to get to know Him for who He truly is.  Prayer has been the KEY in unleashing the Spirit of God to work in me and through me to impact this world for His Kingdom.  It is breath-taking to be in the midst of.  To be honest, the more I am doing it, the more I want to do it more.  Prayer is addictive...in a very GOOD way!

I hope by making your way through all these thoughts and stories, you find yourself in a place of being encouraged to pray.  If you are not a person who prays at all, maybe you will be nudged to simply begin by introducing yourself to God and asking for Him to come and sit with you for a bit of time.  I encourage you to open yourself up to moments of communication between the two of you.  If you are like me a little ways back, feeling overwhelmed with how "bad" I was doing in my prayer life, I would encourage you to investigate why talking with God is so difficult.  Perhaps you will find, like me, you are reserving a bit of yourself back from Him out of lies you are still choosing to believe instead of the Truth.  I desire for you to believe that no matter how little you are praying, you are still a prayer warrior and you have a God who is the Ultimate Victor on your side.  If you are in a place where you are hungry to see more of what God is doing in you, around you, and through you, I encourage you to pray, pray, pray, and pray all the more.  The more you get in His Presence, the more your eyes will be open to that Heavenly Work--that powerful, miraculous work--going on.  The more you pray, the more you will be able to join in and help Him love this world the way it needs love.  Finally, please remember no matter where you are in your prayer journey, there is no "wrong" way to pray, friends.  No possible "wrong way" to talk with God.  He is BIG.  He can handle the conversation without getting hurt feelings...he is only love.  And that God of love desires to talk with you.  What are you waiting for?

4 Months Home...Anyone for Patty-Cake?

Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man.  Bake me a cake as fast as you can.  Roll it and pat it and mark it with an "N", and put it in the oven for Nora and me!

Yep, at 4 months home, this rhyme/song is a favorite of Nora's.  Her face lights up when she climbs on our laps and we grab her hands for the first clap.  She loves it so much so that she is often even doing it to herself without our help or to her babies.  She adores it.

Even though by the fifth time in a row I'm rolling my eyes as she delightfully says "Again!!!" there is still a part of me that is smiling inside.  You see, on our first trip to meet Nora when she was just 2 months old, Micah and I would have been found on a bed in a guest house saying this very rhyme with our new daughter.  Here, see for yourself...

Maybe the nannies also spent time doing "Patty-Cake" with her during her two years of life in the orphanage, but for me, I'm elated at the possibility she is enjoying this so much because of a recessed memory she has done this before...a long time ago...with a woman who showed up for a few days and called herself "Mama".  I know it's not likely true, but for me, it has been a tender memory and connection I will hold dearly because memories with Nora that young are too few.  Any connection made now that is not something "new" but something "remembered" between the two of us is priceless.  Here you can enjoy Nora doing her own version of Patty-Cake...

Beyond Patty-Cake, life is cruising along with our littlest Thieszen.  For starters, Nora's vocabulary is BOOMING!  Not sure what all happened in her brain between month 3 and 4, but she is now saying several word sentences, single words galore, and even telling us her own opinions.  It has been a breath of fresh air for me.  I was about to pull my hair out with every repeated phrase she said to me.  I love watching people be themselves and that includes Nora.  I do not want a robot child, thank you.

For example, this week I was getting lunch prepared for my two youngest darlings and I had enough left-over spaghetti for one meal, but not two.  I decided to give Nora the spaghetti and Quinn the PB&J since I know that is his fav-or-ite food to eat and I knew Nora seemed to also love spaghetti every time we've made it for dinner.  I was getting out the bread and Nora, who must always be right at the counter any time food is being prepared, said "Mommy!  Nora bread?  Nora eat bread?"  I answered her that the bread was for Quinn and that she would be having the spaghetti.  After her face went from elated to deflated, she began shaking her head and said clearly, "No, Mommy, no.  I not like that.  I not like that."  After my shock wore off that she just communicated something to me, I said to her, "No, Nora, you do like spaghetti.  Every time you have eaten spaghetti, you have said it was yummy!"  To which she replied through a very sad and tearing up face, "No, Mommy, no.  I not want that.  I not want that.  Nora please bread?"  Wow!  Just wow.  Not only had she not repeated me word-for-word, she corrected her verb from "like" to "want", and also added in a polite way what she actually DID want.  I was so impressed and overjoyed that my little girl let me know exactly what she desired in that moment.  It was a breakthrough moment for us both and I treasured it...and gave her the PB&J just like she wanted.  Now, catering to Nora's every desire won't always happen here, but that was probably one of the first moments when she clearly and politely asked for something different.  Reward indeed for that, Baby Girl!

Now that she has discovered she has a voice and can use it to let others know what she is thinking/feeling/wanting, she is starting to become even more vocal.  This is both wonderful and frustrating.  You see, it opens things up for a whole new level of learning.  A learning that sometimes we can get what we want or do what we want and sometimes we just can't even if we said it.  Our strong-personality daughter isn't exactly fond of the later.  So, we are working with her on more learning curves as she tries her best to throw poutings or fits when she doesn't get what she wants or has to do something she doesn't want to.  Just this morning I grabbed the spray bottle to put some moisture back in her curls (which we do at least every morning if not twice a day) and Nora stuck her arm straight out against the bottle and said, "No, Mommy, no.  I not want that!"  I moved her hand away and began to tell her in a 2 year old way that some things, like moisturizing her hair daily, are good for her and even though she doesn't want it, Mommy was going to do it anyway.  She shot me a glaring look, crossed her arms in front of her, and then proceeded to let out a big "ROAR!" directly at my face.  Like a lion.  Seriously.  Well, it was clear to me she was not happy with Mommy's decision to still spray her hair today, but she didn't fight me doing it so I guess that's a win for me.  It will be a balancing act for a while as she figures out how to use her own voice and share her own desires while also still learning that she really isn't the only boss of herself.  She certainly has her moments of whining, crying, or all out tantruming like the best of 2 year olds when she doesn't get her way, but for the most part, she gets over things as quickly as she begins them when she sees we don't cave to her fits.  With every few steps forward there seems to be a step backwards, but in the end we are always heading in the right direction and that is good.

She is also finally starting to play more on her own.  YAY!!!!!  For the most part, since she has come home she has simply followed us around the house observing whatever everyone is doing but not really focusing her attention long enough to do anything herself.  When we would get books out to read with her she would flip through it in 30 seconds or less and throw it on the ground to run for another one without ever letting us actually read the words in it to her.  Or she would touch a button on one of the toddler computer toys that says the letters of the alphabet and run away from it before she could even hear the letter being said.  She would talk about her babies, but never do anything with them except an occasional rock in the rocking chair before dropping them on the ground to follow me into the other room.  Now, at 4 months home, she has really enjoyed sitting on our laps to have us read an entire book to her, has often been found sitting on the couch pushing the buttons on the toddler computer while saying "B.  Bumble Bee.  Mommy, I see Bumble Bee!", and is daily playing with her babies.  I think her favorite part about toys is playing with the babies.  She likes to strap them into their high chairs or sit them on their potties, feed them, wrap them in blankets, and put them in their beds for nigh-night time.  It is very sweet to see her care for them--you can tell she is comfortable and used to being surrounded by other babies smaller than her from the orphanage.  Having her play with all these toys is wonderful because it assures me she is feeling comfortable and assured that if I'm not in her sight, she is still okay and simply free to be a kid.  For me, it is refreshing to look back at my heels and have to actually wonder where Nora is, only to find her simply being that kid with her toys.

Health wise Nora continues to grow.  She has grown over 2 inches and is up over 4 pounds in these last 4 months.  Her beautiful head of curls has doubled in length.  Her perpetual cough and running nose had left, but unfortunately she has caught a cold and is back to her husky cough and need for kleenex.  Instead of walking or even running through the house she is often found jumping her way from room to room.  She is FULL of energy!  We hope to finally be over the parasites she came home with and are now dealing with the effects of those nasty guys being in her system as she seems to not be tolerating milk well.  We have recently switched her over to almond milk and this has made a world of difference.  Being lactose intolerant or at least having some lactose sensitivities seems to be common for many children for a period of time after having parasites so our hope is this is all it will amount to being.  I can definitely feel a difference when holding her through church or carrying her around--she's growing well!

Eating habits seem to be the area of struggle still for Nora to move past.  She is getting better, but it is a struggle for her.  We have found if we watch her like a hawk she does better, but if we allow her the space to eat "on her own" then she resorts back to old habits from the orphanage.  Currently, what this looks like is one of the following scenarios...1) She will eat HUGE bites of food.  She is worse if she decides her utensil is not shoving the food in fast enough and uses her hands.  We are talking entire mouth-full bites.  For example, normally a person would just take a bite of a sandwich, but Nora will start to put a bit of the sandwich in her mouth and then open it more and put more in and then do it again.  I have literally seen her put a fourth of a sandwich into her mouth at one time.  She then tries to chew everything while it's in her mouth, but either gags on it, ends up letting some come back out of her mouth, or swallows things whole in order to move on to the remaining food.  Any of the above situations can cause serious problems so we are constantly saying to her "Small bites, Nora, small bites."  She typically repeats this phrase regularly now and if she stays focused enough to think about that she does great, but if not...the uphill battle continues.  2) She two-fists her food.  She will grab her sandwich in one hand and have 3 carrots in the other.  She'll try to gulp down a bite of sandwich while also trying to shove all 3 carrots in her mouth at the same time when the sandwich bite is not even fully swallowed.  For this situation we are constantly saying, "One hand, Nora, one hand at a time.  Keep the rest of your food on the plate until your bite is swallowed."  She will, again, repeat "One hand, Nora" and put the rest of the food down...that is unless we walk away or stop paying attention to her.  That's when she picks everything back up again and we repeat everything again once she is "caught".  3)  When we have cut everything into small bites for her to try to avoid the first situation of huge bites, she tends to shove multiple small bites into her mouth as quickly as possible and then tries to chew things just as explained in the first example.  In this situation, we often say "Slow down, Nora, and eat small bites."  She'll repeat it and then take a little more time between each bite.  If we are sitting right next to her watching her every bite she will even chew an entire piece of food and swallow it before getting the next piece in her mouth--it's quite an accomplishment!  4) Lastly, she rarely chews her food enough.  Either she eats smaller bites with maybe one time of using her teeth or she eats larger bites that get chewed maybe 3 times and then swallowed.  It's a bad habit that will only be stopped over time, I think though, because it is very hard to get a 2 1/2 year old to understand how to chew her food more/better.  We still say "Chew it more, Nora", while fake-chewing food in our own mouth directly in front of her face, but she will simply chew it for the 3 times, swallow it, and then continue to chew nothing in her mouth with a big smile like she's proud of herself for doing what we were asking her to do.  Oye!  That one, as well as the rest I guess, will get better with time and age.  It will be a dream when we can serve her a meal and not have to be directly beside her coaching her every bite.

Lastly, we finally got her Certificate of Citizenship in the mail so we have begun the much easier process of re-adopting Nora here in the US.  This will be the last of the "process" of adoption and we will be so glad to see it completed.  We would not need to do this step, but by doing so we can legally change her name and get her a US (foreign born) birth certificate noting Micah and I as her parents.  This will come in handy later on in life when she needs an original birth certificate for anything.  If we do not re-adopt her here and need that birth certificate, we would have to petition Haiti for one and who knows how long that would take or how much we would have to pay to get it.  It will be much easier in the long run to have her birth certificate be on this side of the pond.  We have our own lawyer here drawing up these papers for us and we will head to court sometime in April or May to have that completed.

I am not sure if you find all this information interesting or not, but I enjoy journaling these things out for more than just my friends at this point.  It seems that life with 4 children 7 years and younger does not give a mom as much time to write things down and record the everyday life of our family.  Writing this blog is a way for me to have some of these thoughts/experiences recorded for Nora to read through some day and for my brain to even remember.  My secondary hope is for anyone going through adoption to find comfort, hope, or even just a realistic view of what life is like once these beauties are home.  For those reading through this who are not adopting, I hope you will enjoy catching the glimpse of our everyday life--battles and all--and maybe it will help in knowing how to best support Nora or our family during this transition.

All in all, this past month has been much less stressful than the previous ones as Nora continues to communicate better with us, Micah and I have gotten out for regular breaks away from the kids, and we have all had more time to adjust to this "new normal".  We still consider life to be going miraculously smooth and are so thankful God brought Nora into our lives.  Just the other morning Lily was cuddling in my bed with me and said very out-of-the-blue, "Mom, I'm so glad we adopted Nora."  I just smiled at the beauty of such a simple and yet profound statement.  I am too.  Enjoy some updated photos from the last month...

Nora and Adella getting ready for their first ice skating experience

Nora & Daddy skating away!  Yep, she LOVED it!

Mommy, Nora, and Lily making our way around the rink

Nora LOVING lots of snow!

Sledding Fun

What we thought might be the last nice snow day (4 big snows ago!)

Nora and her bling

Lily at her gymnastics class

Nora trying to be a part of Lily's gymnastics class

Nora and Toby wrestling/tickling

Nora doing pushups with her "Fight Club" Daddy

One of the many twist styles I've tried in Nora's hair to make it look like braids--
she's just too squirmy still for actual braids.

Nora isn't the only one getting her hair done up in pretty designs these days

Silly girls

Love these young ladies

Ahhhh........

Storytime with Daddy

Nora with her favorite friend right now...Karis!

Babysitting Group at our place...we're at 10 kids and counting!

Nora enjoying her Jo Jo's Pretzel on Mommy's birthday

Birthday game time

Love these kids...as well as Toby who wasn't in this picture

Family birthday game time

Sharing a scrumptious root beer float with the love of my life

The Thieszen crew! (Gotta love Quinn's orneriness.  Yes, he's purposefully
making that face-ha!)