A View From the Boat

"One day Jesus said to his disciples, 'Let us go over to the other side of the lake.' So they got into a boat and set out.  As they sailed, he fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger.

 The disciples went and woke him, saying, 'Master, Master, we’re going to drown!' 

He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm.  'Where is your faith?'  he asked his disciples.

In fear and amazement they asked one another, 'Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him.'"

~ Luke 8:22-25

This was the Scripture for me to read in my Good Morning Girls Bible Study the other morning.  I have loved this Bible Study.  God has used His Word each day to speak to my heart right where I am each day.  This day last week was no exception.  Let me paraphrase the beginning of this passage in light of my own situation and where God was speaking to me.

"One day Jesus said to Angie and Micah, 'Let's adopt!  The journey of adoption will take us from where we are, across a lake and to the shores on the other side, so let's go.'  So they all got into the boat and set out."

Jesus used this section of Scripture to speak so clearly to my adoptive-Mama heart.  There are several nuggets He spoke to me I'd like to share here...

• First and foremost, it was Jesus' directive for the disciples to get in the boat and sail across the lake to the other side.  They didn't invite Jesus for a cruise, He invited them.  Same for us--Jesus invited us to get in the boat and cross the lake of adoption.  We didn't invite him along on the journey we planned out--He invited us.
• Jesus didn't send the disciples off in the boat alone and let them know He would meet them later on the other side.  He got in the boat with them.  He was willing and ready to sail the waters beside them.  Same for us--Jesus never looked at the waters of the lake and said, "Head on out--I'll see you when you are done!"  No, Jesus came with us.  He helped us into the boat and jumped in as well after shoving our craft off the edge of the secure land we were standing.  He said, "Let's go over to the other side of the lake"...together.
• The lake must have begun calm or I doubt the disciples would have willingly joined in His idea for a ride on the water that day.  Same for us.  We had no idea of the conditions we might face along the way or perhaps we would not have gotten in the boat either.  The calmness of the water on a nice day looks inviting and appealing.  Why not?  Why not go for a boat ride?  This is certainly what we experienced--the view from the edge was calm and we gladly obeyed what Jesus was asking us to do.
• The atmosphere on the boat must have been peaceful as well because apparently Jesus fell asleep.  Many times in life I sense that Jesus must have left a situation because I don't feel like I'm having a deep connection with Him for whatever reason (like He is isn't talking directly to me) when perhaps the better way to look at the scene is that things are so peaceful that Jesus is simply taking an afternoon nap for refreshment.  Scripture says He will never leave us, so I am pondering anew that perhaps in those moments when I feel He has, He is instead peacefully sleeping because He knows all is well so long as His Presence is there.
• While all was calm enough for Jesus to take a nap, a squall--" a brief sudden violent windstorm, often accompanied by rain or snow"--came upon the boat.  A brief, sudden, crazy amount of wind that rocked the boat so badly the people inside no longer felt safe.  This past week, for us was a "squall" in our adoption.  An outside force along the journey across our lake that disrupted the peace.  We found out the news that our paperwork has not been where our orphanage director and ourselves were told it has been.  For the past 4 months our paperwork has been stuck on a desk waiting for a paper that was lost by the office it was in.  It was all of our impressions our adoption decree was getting legalized when in actuality we were stuck not even with a decree yet.  A heartbreaking squall in the middle of the lake.  In a way, this squall has had 4 months of brewing and last week it unleashed its ugliness on our calm waters.  Our boat has been rocked, but remember what I discovered...Jesus has never left the boat--He is simply sleeping because He knows as long as He is present, all is well.  Jesus was getting rocked in the boat right along with us.
• Just as the disciples went to Jesus and woke Him saying "Master, Master, we're going to drown!" So did we run to Jesus arousing Him from His slumber, begging Him to come to our aid.  In times past of reading this Scripture, I have found myself under the impression that the disciples were probably mad at Jesus for sleeping while they were frantic.  Frustrated that He was still sleeping in the midst of the storm.  Perhaps even angry He wasn't doing His part in the work.  Did they really run to him this way?  There is nothing in this Scripture that says they did.  Instead, could they just have easily ran to Him for help because they simply knew they could not battle the storm alone?  Simply because they needed Him--His help, His presence, His ideas, His strength, His courage, His physical muscles to grab ropes, steer the boat, row the oars, scoop out buckets of water to keep the ship afloat?  I will never know how the disciples came to Jesus that day on the lake, but I know how I came to Jesus last week.  I went running to "wake Him" because I knew I NEEDED Him.  I knew I could not battle this storm alone.  I was too weak.  Too unseasoned as a sailor.  Too tired from the long days in the hot sun.  Too seasick from the ups and downs of the ride.  I needed Him so I called on Him to help...not out of anger or frustration, but out of sheer desperation for someone who could help me.
• When the disciples called on Jesus to help them, He rose to the occasion and, in my opinion, blew their sandals off with the way He chose to help.  I can imagine these men expecting Jesus to help by grabbing the ripping sails of their ship or a thick rope to steady them, only to be shocked as instead he simply stood there talking words to the sky.  "He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm."  Words.  All Jesus used was His Words and the storm was over.  As quickly as the squall came at them, it departed.  Not because the squall decided it was done, but because Jesus ordered it to be done with His Words.  What was meant to potentially end their journey across the lake or even harm the disciples themselves, was stopped not by their own efforts to stay afloat in the rough waters, but because they called on Jesus and Jesus' power and authority was unleashed through His Words.  As I called on Jesus to come to our side this week, friends, He came.  He came through His Word.  Through His Scriptures and Promises and Truths given to us in The Bible.  By using His Words, He stopped the storm that meant to defeat us and powerfully allowed our journey to continue on instead.
• The only words spoken in this section of Scripture to the disciples from the Lord's mouth came to my ears as well.  The only question Jesus had for them all and for me as well was this..."Where is your faith?"  The line of an old hymn rushed into my head..."Ponder anew what the Almighty can do."  The truth is that as long as Jesus was with the disciples and they were doing He had asked of them (take a boat to the other side of the lake), they should have known all would come to pass and they would reach their final destination in the end.  Jesus never said the journey across the lake would always be calm.  Perhaps He didn't even know what all would come at them.  Perhaps He did.  Does it really matter?  He simply told them He wanted them to get into a boat and go to the other side of the lake with Him.  Isn't it true that whatever Jesus wants to do, He will see it happen no matter what comes along to thwart it?  Whatever comes against the Will of God will never be able to accomplish its goal so long as those Jesus has asked to do it with Him continue the journey with Him.  The way I see it, the disciples had so many choices along this journey.  They could have never got their feet in the boat in the first place, they could have turned around as the skies got dark, they could have jumped ship in the waves, they could have tried to overtake the wind in their own strength, they could have never woke Jesus to help them.  But they did not do those things.  They remained in the boat, called on Jesus, and saw the miraculous before their very eyes.  Where was their faith?  In the midst of the storm, somehow, they lost focus on the fact that their journey had nothing to do with the weather around them.  Their journey was not about what they went through, but about the ending--about what Jesus had originally called them to do--"go over to the other side of the lake".  Perhaps I needed the same reminder this week.  The same reminder that Jesus has not revealed to us what all we will face along the journey across the lake of adoption, but that my faith should not waiver depending on those circumstances.  My faith should be solidly built on the fact that Jesus simply asked us to get in the boat with Him and get to the other side and because we are obeying that invitation, He will see it come to completion.  What He has called us to, if we stick with Him through everything that comes our way, will result in landing on the other side with a completed adoption and an amazing story to tell others of the journey along the way.  An amazing story to brag on the Jesus who quite literally saw us through each step of the journey because HE WAS WITH US at every moment.
• In fear and amazement the disciples marveled at just who Jesus was in that moment.  He helped them alright, but perhaps not the way they thought He would.  He saved them from drowning, but not in the way they expected.  He didn't work in the midst of the circumstances around them, He overcame the circumstances around them.  He didn't save them in the midst of the storm, He took away the storm in order to save them.  I can only imagine how incredibly special and loved they felt in that moment.  I can only imagine the fear and amazement they felt in that moment was perhaps two-fold.  Perhaps a bit about the fact this man just told the sky to stop hammering them and it listened, but yet also that a man who was willing to get in the boat with them loved them so much that He would do anything to see them accomplish what He asked of them.  I can only imagine these feelings because it is where I have found myself.  A bit dumfounded not only at the way I saw Jesus stop what was harming our adoption process from continuing forward, but also because I saw the way Jesus once again revealed His relentless pursuit of showing me how much He loves me.  I am humbled, blessed, and in awe of the way Jesus loves me, protects me, and fights against anything coming against me so long as I am committed in faith and action to follow His Will no matter what the weather forecast is that day.
• In the end, because of Who He Is, Jesus deserves and rightfully commands obedience.  The disciples obeyed Jesus.  It might not have been perfect or even pretty along the journey, but they obeyed.  Heck, even the winds and the rains obeyed Jesus.  Today, I too, will obey Jesus.  My own obedience will not be perfect and probably not pretty along the way, but my obedience will remain.  Not because I know I have the strength to make it through the perils of the water to the other side of the lake like He asked me to or to the end of this adoption on my own strength, but because I know I can not do any of it successfully without Him.  I am nothing without the Presence of Jesus.  My boat ride without Jesus along is nothing but a boat ride.  And where will my faith be along the journey?  My faith will not be in myself or anything mere mortals can do to either help or hurt this adoption.  My faith will be in God alone.  Only He is able.  With that faith, with that obedience, with that desire to serve Jesus, I will remain in the boat.  I will continue in this journey knowing full well that Jesus will be the One who gets us to the other side...no matter how long that takes.

"And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another.  And this is love: that we walk (or ride in a boat) in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk (ride) in love."

~ 2 Jn. 1:5-6

"For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk (ride) in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess."

~ Dt. 30:16

A Familiar Spot

Well, I have found myself in a familiar spot once again that I have frequented throughout our adoption.  A spot that seems to demand action, but a spot that confuses me most of the time on what action I should take exactly.  This spot seems to be the battlefield of Truths that result in two different kinds of action and I just don't know which one to follow...or if there is a way to do both at the same time.

In the moments of our adoption when God seems to be "on the move" and doing amazing things that can only be seen as acts of Him, I find myself on a high like no other.  And, yes, those moments are scattered throughout our process everywhere--He is at work, there is no doubt about that!  He has done such miraculous and incredibly personal things along this journey that solidify my faith and confidence that He loves me, knows me, and is working for me way beyond what any other could possibly do.  Those moments are the spots I find myself "placing a rock", if you will, to mark that in this way, on such and such a day, God allowed me to see I had been in the presence of the Almighty and was touched by the Holiness of the Miraculous and lived to tell others about it.  Those spots are literally written down throughout this blog for others to see the glory of the God who made them happen.  They leave me speechless and incredibly grateful for my Lord.

In the moments of our adoption when God seems to have "gone silent" and the process moves along at a snail's pace or is halted all together for various unknown reasons, I find myself instead in a spot of complete frustration.  Complete frustration that, in that moment, in that spot, I feel as if I do not know what else to do.  It is a place where no matter how hard I pray or no matter how much I trust God or praise Him, FORWARD ACTION in this adoption seems to elude me.  This spot seems to demand from me both inner peace and yet the desire to fight, which seem opposite.  It demands complete belief that God can move the mountains and yet total acceptance if I'm not seeing it happen, which is hard for anyone.  It seems to ask for expectation that God is going to WOW me and yet humility when it hasn't happened as I so solidly believed it would.

It's not a comfortable, cozy spot to be in.  It is, for me, a very confusing spot where I want to cling with all my might to TRUTH and completely destroy any lies Satan is trying to use against me, but yet I struggle to know what Truths to believe, or better yet, how to believe all of the Truths at the same time when they seem to request opposite actions.  I mean, do I remain peacefully and contently silent in the wait, believing God can do this thing without my valiant efforts, or do I fight along side Him by doing everything I can to see this come about, believing this to be His Will?  Even further, do I even believe that this IS His Will?  Do I believe that it is part of His Plan for our adoption to take this long, for us to be stuck where we are right now, for Nora to continue to be cared for in this orphanage instead of in our family or do I believe His Will is being fought against by every evil force Satan can muster to make this adoption fail and therefore needs some sort of spiritual breakthrough to actually get it to happen?  Do I accept our current situation as it is because it is God's Will or do I fight against it because it is not God's Will?  And then realizing I am in no place and never will be to ever even truly know what the will of God is comes into play and leaves me with such confusion on what to do.  Can anyone see the dilemma I face while in this spot?  It's agonizing to my soul and spirit.  Despite the fact I continue on with everyday life with a pretty joyful spirit and can function just fine as a wife, mom and woman, these things take me to a place I just want to run away from because the confusion is just too hard to figure out.

Like I said above, this spot is not new to me in this adoption.  It is a spot where I have come to over and over again...you'd think I would have learned my "lesson" and remembered the way to get myself out of this mess, but alas, here I am again...oye!  I have been blessed by God in these spots before with Truth and yet I walk away from it and for whatever reason seem to forget what He taught me.  Each time I find myself in this spot, these are the words--the questions--God has spoken to me.  They are questions that do not completely answer all my other questions or silence all my doubts or even show me exactly what His Will is or isn't, but they do give me direction for my prayer life and a peace about the actions I decide to make.  The questions God asks of me are the following: "If you get out of your head and into your heart, what does it have to say?  What do you feel in your heart?  What do you desire in your heart?  If you just stop THINKING and just start FEELING, where does that take you?  If you stop trying to rationally and logically understand it all and just tell Me the truth of your heart, what would that be?"  Yep, in those spots, God takes me right back to the place He lives and reminds me He wants to meet with me there...in my heart, not in my head.  When I asked Jesus Christ to come live inside of me, friends, I didn't ask Him to live in my brain, I asked Him to live in my heart.  I find that in these moments of complete and utter confusion, I am trying to make decisions with my head instead of my heart and it continually doesn't work.

The hardest part, I think, about making a conscience choice to go from my head to my heart is the fact that head knowledge is "safe".  It is based in facts.  It is based in what is known, what is seen, what is proven or can be proven.  Heart knowledge, however, is built out of passions and feelings.  It is "risky".  Hearts can be broken, right?!?  Heart choices are not always sure.  They aren't always predictable.  They aren't always built or based on logic.  They are intimately personal and therefore hard to speak to others, to God, or even to myself sometimes because they have feelings attached that could be deeply hurt if left in the wrong hands.  Trust--deep trust--has to be present for my heart contents to be shared.  But, when they are shared, even just between me and God, I think true love--God Is Love, love --is experienced between both parties involved and that presence of Love seems to melt away all of the other concerns my mind previously had.  I just know and trust that God has heard my heart and will do everything He can to answer those desires because He loves me.

So, friends, I have spent much time over the past several days pouring out my prayers before the Lord.  I have, however, unfortunately spent much of that time praying out of my head and continued to be frustrated as I still didn't seem to understand what to do or not do.  This morning, as I came to Him once again, I was gently reminded of the difference between praying from my head and from my heart.  I allowed myself to "go there", to take the risk, to trust my God with my intimate heart desires.  It was rich and energizing to say the least.  The peace and excitement that has come today has been incredibly refreshing.  I have delighted in Him--in His Presence and in remembering what all He CAN do.  Out of the desires of my heart, I have prayed for movement to be seen once again in the world of Haitian adoptions.  I have prayed specifically for our own as well as all others.  I have prayed many other specific desires my heart contains that need only to be known by my Father.  They have all come not from my head, but from my heart.

Today has been a very good day, friends, a very good day.  A day where I have spent time in the Lord's Presence, shared intimately with him from my heart, been assured He has heard me, and now have seen evidence of Him at work on that "movement desire" I spoke of here.  Who knows if that movement has much to do with my own prayers or just my ability to see God's work again clearly.  At any rate, I know He is using these examples to reenforce the Truths He has reminded me of today--He wants to hear the desires of my heart!  No, we have no news for our own adoption yet, but there are other families who have had huge breakthroughs in their cases today and have been moved forward when it seemed so bleak to them.  As these reports have come in, I have sat in awe of the goodness of our God and in the fact that He alone is able!  I am excited to see what is ahead of us in the remainder of this adoption because I know...deep down in my heart I know...that God is at work on the desires of my heart.

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this" ~Ps. 37:4-5

One Year Later

February 18, 2012.  One year ago today we officially entered IBESR, the first big step on the Haitian end of this adoption.  It was just over 7 months before that date we had begun the process on the US side of things so it wasn't the very beginning of our adoption, but still a very significant date in our process.  The timeline we have always been told is adopting through Haiti will be around 1 1/2-2 years after entering IBESR.  Well, let's just keep praying Nora is home well before another 1/2 year-1 year!

This past week was "Carnival" in Haiti celebrating Mardi Gras.  All of the government offices were closed for the majority to all of the week so we are hopeful this week will bring better news for our process.  (Sidenote--can you even imagine if our government would close down for a week to celebrate a holiday???  Crazy!)  We are still waiting for the decree to come out of Archives and deeply desire to see this movement since we have been here for at least 5 weeks now when it should have only taken 1-2 weeks to get out.  Please continue praying for the release of our papers.

I had to laugh a bit yesterday when picking up Lily from a birthday party.  As I waited for her to gather her stuff I got the chance to talk to the mother of Lily's friend.  This mom and I have become friends over the past year since our girls became friends in kindergarten.  She and I were discussing if there was any news about Nora or a timeline of when we would get her home.  One of her comments is what made me laugh...she said, "It seems like this is taking forever.  I mean, as long as I've known you, you have been trying to adopt her!"  How true.  It's time to bring this girl to the homestretch when you realize there are people who have never known you to NOT be in the process of adopting-ha!

Well, here's to a "new year" and a year where Nora will, Lord willing, grace our household with much joy and light!

Nora around the time we entered IBESR last year.

Nora now--she's really grown!

This is the dress we sent down for Nora when she was 6 months old.  Can you say that dress is s.t.r.e.t.c.h.e.d. out!!!

The Length of Adoption--A Time to Rise Up

Many of my posts have somehow referred to the length of our adoption process.  Whether it be walking you through the actual steps involved in adopting from Haiti, suggestions of things to do during the "wait", my emotions and frustrations with being "stuck", or how much I just want to be DONE with it all...they all have to do with the fact adoptions (generally speaking) take a lot of time to get through.  One of the more frequently asked questions I hear is "Why does it have to take soooo long???"  Back in October I even dedicated a post solely to that very question entitled "The Dreaded Question".

I'm delighted to say since writing that post, I have come to a very peace-filled decision as to what my response to that question should be.  As I explained in that post, what made that question so "dreaded" was the fact I never knew how to answer it and it didn't seem to reflect a genuine care for where I was IN the process.  I never knew if the person asking wanted the long version of why it takes so long, the short version, or if they were just trying to sympathize with me.  I never felt peace about any of the answers I felt gave, so I came to the conclusion it would just be better easier to encourage others to not even ask that question unless they wanted the long version of an answer.  Well, as much as I do want others to care about me in the process, I'm not sure that was the best approach either.  It was a creative way, I think, for me to subtly avoid the topic, or fact, that adoptions (and international adoptions more specifically) just take an agonizingly long time.

So, I find myself thankful for hearing, what I believe was, a direct word from God about this "dreaded question".  The words were so clear in my head it was as if He spoke them to me face-to-face.  I can't quite remember where the conversation in my head started from, but somehow the idea of a person asking me why it takes so long to get Nora out of Haiti was placed in my mind.  Instead of my general eye-roll with hearing that question, I immediately had a response that could only come from God.  My gut level response was, "You are asking the wrong question!  The question you should be asking is: WHY ARE THERE NOT MORE PEOPLE WILLING TO TAKE THAT LONG TO GIVE A FAMILY TO THESE CHILDREN WHO NEED ONE?

Let that sink in a bit.  I had to.

Yes, God, yes.  This was the "answer" I had been searching for through this whole adoption.  The "answer" that turns the negativity of the original question into motivation for change.  Instead of feeling like I was some sort of a freak of nature for wanting to put myself and my family through a very long, hard ordeal to get Nora into our family, it was creating a sense of challenge for more people to jump into the same boat.  And why?  Why would I want or encourage anyone else to go on a similar road we have gone on this past year and a half?  Well, two reasons come to my mind.  1) Because God told us all to look after the orphans in their distress and 2) because there are still over 10 million children who need you to.

There is an epidemic in our world, friends, that most people are willing to look blindly past.  An epidemic where children are literally dying in masses because they have no one to love them and make sure they have the basic essentials for human life.  Children who have no one to call Mommy or Daddy.  Children who have one meal a day at best.  Children who share a bed with as many other children they can fit into it.  Children who don't even have a bed.  Children who are silently waiting, hoping, and praying for you someone to consider them WORTH the long journey it will take.  Children wondering not "Why does it take sooooo long?" but rather "Why doesn't anyone want me?"

All of these thoughts of mine were confirmed a few days ago in the release of a trailer for a new documentary film set to be released across a US tour in March-May.  Did you know that the stats prove over the last 5 years adoptions have decreased by 50%!  50%.  In 5 years.  That means 50% of children who were asking the question of "Why doesn't anyone want me?" got their answer...no one did.  It is time, friends, for this trend to change.  It is time for others to rise up and decide enough is enough.  It is time for our focus to NOT be on the long wait, but on the children who need people to be willing to go through it for them.  It is time for others to say, these children ARE worth the long wait.  These children ARE worth the work I will have to do to get them here.

The movie I am referring to is entitled "STUCK".  It is a documentary exposing some of the issues causing the long wait for international adoptions and the desire to see these issues addressed so more and more children can find families.  It is a film I will encourage each and every person to watch.  If you are anywhere near a theater on their tour (see tour itinerary here) I simply ask for you to attend the event and allow God to open your eyes and ears to the desperate need in this world...the need for love.

Until then, may I simply leave you with the trailer to watch...

I'm excited about this new direction my heart has taken regarding "the dreaded question" .  I am thrilled it is not a question I dread anymore.  I am actually quite looking forward to people asking me now.  Just the other day I had a person ask and I beamed as I answered his question with a question of my own.  To hear the question catch him off-guard and have him pause an extra moment was encouraging to me.  Encouraging to me, not because my question caught him off-guard, but because I believe God can use these "pauses" and "extra moments" of silence within our discussions to awaken more hearts towards His desire for us to take care of the orphans of the world.  I enjoyed walking alongside this man for a few moments as he gave the idea of adoption a second thought.  I hope and pray as more people do this, the "second thoughts" will turn into actions and we will see a HUGE, God-made upswing in the stats of adoption this year.  May we all work together to get these beautiful, precious children into the families they deserve and were meant to have no matter how long it takes.

A Calendar and God's Creativeness

We live life in light of the calendar, don't we?  For example, our weeks are composed of 7 days but the calendar is what tells us which of those days are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Our appointments for the doctor, hair cut, or meeting are scheduled for certain times of certain days and we mark them on our calendar so we don't miss them.  Birthdays would not really be kept track of if it wasn't for calendars to help us know when 365 days had past since the last one.  A calendar has become important to our every day life.

One of the down-sides of a calendar is that we also know how long something is taking when it might be better to simply not know.  This adoption would be one of those examples.  Because we have the ability to track things, we also can become very disappointed when something does not happen within the calendar time frame we have stamped on it.  Just because the calendar says it should have happened, we become annoyed that it has not even though the calendar was a human invention and not how God determines the timing on anything.

Two different things come to my mind when contemplating my own "calendar issues".  First of all comes on the Haiti side of this adoption process.  Our adoption decree is still in the National Archives waiting for a signature of approval so we can move forward to the next office/step in our process.  This last signature is one of 4 we needed in our current "stage" in the legalizations of our decree.  These four signatures are typically obtained, according to the calendar, in 4-8 weeks of time after leaving Parquet court.  We have been given several different emails from our director letting us know her hopes to have our decree in her hand by the end of the week so she could prepare it for MOI (the next stage).  The problem is this has not happened yet despite the various emails...

• November 25th email from our director: "They are preparing the adoption decree now, hope to have it next week to prepare the paper for MOI. Let's pray."
• December 18th email from our director: "The lawyer said at the end of this week, we will have the adoption decree. Hope everything will work well to continue the process and send it to MOI."
• January 11th email from our director: "I am waiting for the attestation of the signature in the Archives.  I hope to have good news next week."

So, here it is February 5th and we still don't have the decree signed by the 4 people and ready to send to MOI.  It is our understanding that most likely our director meant in the first email sent on November 25th that the decree came out of Parquet court to begin the process of getting the four signatures on or around November 30th.  If we mark out on the calendar 4-8 weeks from Nov. 30, we hit anywhere from December 28th-January 25th.  We are now a week and a half past that 8 week date.  But then there is this email sent on December 18th that we do not understand.  Perhaps our decree was not obtained from Parquet court around the Nov. 30th mark as originally told to us in the previous email and so we didn't get out of Parquet until Dec. 21.  If that is the case our 4-8 week mark would be anywhere between January 18th-February 15th, which means we are still within the given typical time frame.  But what really matters is the last email sent on January 11th.  We know according to that email it was in Archives at that point waiting for the last signature.  This signature "should" take 1-2 weeks to obtain.  That would be why our director said she hoped to have it the following week for us.  However, now it is Feb. 5th, 2 1/2 weeks later, and we are still in Archives.  Can you see where calendars make this process all the more complicated and frustrating?  It is something we use to stay sane, but yet when things don't go according to them, it drives us insane!  Ugh.  At any rate, for the Haitian side of our process, we are praying TODAY that the lawyer's heart would be stirred to check in at Archives and find a signed decree ready to be picked up and taken back to our director so she can prepare the rest of the paperwork and get it to MOI as soon as possible!

As frustrating as the calendar is in this journey, it has also been a cool way to see God's Creativeness.  If you remember, there are two sides to this adoption--the Haitian side and the American side--that are happening alongside each other.  So, as mentioned above, on the Haitian side we are currently stuck in Archives.  On the US side, we are waiting for our birth parent interview to be completed.  This birth parent interview was originally scheduled for December 5th.  Nora's birth mom DID come for that interview, but she forgot her ID card so they would not interview her and rescheduled the appointment for February 12th.  I was so disappointed the appointment was scheduled so far out.  I even tried to email them requesting an earlier interview date, but it was denied.  Again I found myself in disappointment, however, as our director said in an email response to my sadness, "God knows why, but we do not. Let's give Him the Glory and be patient as He always asks us. Every time you think about this inconvenience, please Angie, Praise Him because He is in control of this situation."  Yes, God is in control and deserves our Praise no matter what the situation is--He has a plan we do not know!

And now for the Creativeness of our God...

I am a part of a private facebook group of around 600 members connected to a Haitian adoption.  A few weeks ago one woman posted a question that red-flagged me instantly.  She was asking if anyone knew if offices around Haiti would be closed on February 12th due to the Mardi Gras holiday (which is highly celebrated in Haiti).  What!?!?!  I had not even thought of Mardi Gras being a holiday the very day the US Embassy scheduled our interview.  I knew the Embassy honored both American and Haitian holidays so I immediately sent our director an email asking if she thought the office would be closed and if I should be contacting them for a reschedule of our appointment yet again.  She replied that, yes, it would be a good idea to ask them because she assumed they would be closed.  So, I sent off the email asking if they would be open for the scheduled interview on the 12th and if they were going to indeed be closed, if they could give us an earlier appointment time instead.  A few days later they replied with their sincere apologies for scheduling the appointment on a day they were closed for Mardi Gras and rescheduled our appointment for Thursday, February 7th.  Wow!

I was first of all elated we got an earlier appointment date instead of being pushed back another potential 2 months like before.  Secondly, I was amazed at how creative God was in moving our appointment date up earlier when we could not get this to happen on our own.  He loves us so much and is working for our good, friends, even when we do not understand His ways.  He used another person in our group to open my eyes to the holiday issue and used it to show me HE can move the mountains--HE can move the appointments--HE is the One in control of each and every step of this journey and HE will see us through this to the very end.  Praise HIM!

So, even when we think a calendar has everything orderly and under control, God shows up and proves once again He does not work on a calendar type schedule, but He can use it for our good when we give it up and rely on Him instead.  As I take this example on the US side of our adoption and apply it to the Haitian side, I have to remember the same Truth.  Even though we seem "stuck" according to the calendar time line, God is in control and can use anything and everything--even a setback--as a tool to bring about His goodness.

Will you pray for us as we continue to place our adoption in the hands of our loving God whom we TRUST is always in control?  Will you pray that our focus will remain more on trusting Him than on the calendar dates that keep passing by without Nora in our arms?  Will you pray for Nora's birth mom interview to go well this Thursday resulting in one more required part of the process being checked off the list?  Will you pray for our decree to be released from Archives today and picked up to move on in the process?  Will you pray for Nora to be protected and strengthened physically, mentally, and spiritually while we are apart?  We would be grateful for all these prayers.  Thank you, friends, thank you!

One thing that helps when the calendar days pass by is an email with photos of Nora included.  These are the ones we got last night--so sweet and yet so longing, huh.

Our Sweet Nora & Toby

Our sweet Nora.  I just love this latest photo of her--all dolled up in cute hair twists with colored bands at the ends.  Doesn't she just need to come home so I can play with that hair???

Truth is, she does need to come home, but we just aren't there yet.  My last post here was 20 days ago and unfortunately we are sill in the same spot as we were then.  We are still stuck in Archives (the last step of legalization)--waiting for our adoption decree to come out so we can move forward to MOI.  We were told this legalization stage would be 4-8 weeks.  We've been here for at least 9 weeks now that we know of and no news of when we will get through this last step.  Just "hopes" from our director that it will be "this week" only to come to the end of another week without it.  Maybe this next week will be the one we receive better news.  We had high hopes of getting Nora home in early spring, but with this latest hold up and the time frames we've been seeing in the next three stages, it's probably more realistic to think we have at least 3-4 more months to go.  However, one thing (and pretty much ONLY one thing) is certain in adopting through Haiti--no one's time line is the same, so we will see what God has in store for ours.  Some get stuck in a stage for months on end while others fly through in a matter of weeks or even days.  My new word for the process itself is...maddening.  That pretty much sums it up.  The reward at the end is certainly more than worth it, but that does not make the steps to get there much easier.

In more uplifting news, we found out the orphanage where Nora is cared for has a new house mother.  Supposedly she is very good with the children and much easier for our head director to be working with.  Less drama amongst the staff of the orphanages is ALWAYS a great thing!  This new head mother seems to be more on top of the care of the children around the orphanage so we are grateful for that!  I'm thinking I've never seen Nora with colored bands in her hair, for example, or for her hair to be done in much other than a ponytail on top of her head, so I'm glad for the changes she seems to be bringing.  Here are a few pictures of Nora and her friends in the orphanage.

They are all so precious.  Only three of the babies pictured here (besides Nora) have adoptive families to call their own.  If you are ever feeling called to adopt through Haiti, there are plenty of children who need you.  (Which is probably something I should have posted on a separate post from the word "maddening"-ha!)  Our orphanage is now working through a specific US agency--All God's Children International.  Recently Haiti has been undergoing lots of changes to the rules of how you can adopt there--it's crazy for me to look back and see all of the changes even from when we began our process to now!  AGCI was recently one of only 19 US agencies approved to continue their work with the Haitian adoption process, so if you were wanting to further inquire about giving a Haitian child a family, I would encourage you to contact them! (All God's Children International)

So as we wait the next push forward in our adoption, life continues on here in Goshen.  Toby had a great 5th birthday last weekend and this weekend we celebrate him still being alive and healthy as it marked the 5 year anniversary of his heart surgery that saved his life.

Two nights ago when we were ending the day with our family time together, Toby said the thing he was most thankful for that day was Nora.  It started my tears flowing as I silently sent up prayers of thankfulness for my children loving on their sister the most they possibly can.  Someday it will be interesting to hear what all they remember about the past year and a half from the perspective of young children.  Last night during our family time again, instead of Toby saying he was thankful for Nora, he said he was thankful for himself...and Nora.  Once again I teared up thinking how appropriate that was as well.  We are so thankful for Toby's life too--his presence in our family is irreplaceable and completely perfect.  He will never know or remember how close we were to losing him, but we will never forget it.  I can't wait for Nora to meet the big brothers she has...and I know they can't wait to meet her too!

A Banner Over 551 Days and Beyond

Today marks 1 year, 6 months, and 1 day into our adoption process.  That's a year and a half, folks.  551 days to be exact.  551 days since Micah and I agreed we would contact a small orphanage in Haiti to let them know we believe they have a child for us.  There are moments when these days have actually seemed to fly by, but more often than not, these days achingly move forward as if in slow motion.  It has been 551 days of my mind and heart being in two different worlds all day long and it has started to wear on me.  To give you some perspective, a typical 9 month pregnancy seems SO long to the woman carrying that child and that is approximately 279 days.  We are at 551.

I just told a friend and fellow adopting Mama yesterday, I've avoided writing a blog post for a little while now because I just don't have much positive gumption left in my attitude.  I'm trying...I really am trying to keep a more positive perspective, to be grateful and remember there are others who have been in this hard place much longer than we have been (which actually just brings guilt), and even reminding myself we truly are getting closer and closer to the day we'll bring Nora home.  The problem is all of these are honestly not touching the ache in my heart--they are just a trick to try to make me believe this isn't (or shouldn't be) as hard as it is.  All of it is not working.  Day 551 just hurts.

Yes, I can hear some of you saying right now--isn't this what you signed up for?  Didn't you know from the beginning it would take at least 2 years to get her home?  What else did you expect?  Well, yes, we signed up for this adoption knowing it would take this long.  Yes, we knew it would be long and hard, but what you think you know at the beginning of something this long never equates what it actually feels like when you are in the thick of it.  When it's day 551, the excitement of the beginning has worn off, the ending seems too far away, and you feel left alone in your constant dwelling on a daughter in a different country and how you long for your family thoughts to rest in one location.

This is where Satan begins to have fun.  Despite the fact others are praying for you and thinking of you, by day 551, you begin to feel very lonely.  In the beginning many people asked about your adoption.  They openly approached you and asked you what country you are adopting from or if you are fostering to adopt or doing a domestic adoption, if you have been matched to a child yet, what all the steps will be, how much money you need to raise, and how long is it expected to take, etc.  You are busy raising funds and spreading the good news that you are "expecting" again.  It is joyous and contagious and those around you, for the most part, are very supportive with hugs and conversations.  They all seem involved.  As time goes on, however, the questions diminish and the thoughts others are still thinking for you/about you become thoughts in their heads instead of verbal affirmations to your face.  Prayers become private instead of corporate.  The key here is not that others actually DO stop thinking and praying for you, but they just aren't as known to you so Satan starts to inch in those cracks ever so slightly with his lies.  He begins to weave his way into your thoughts by making you doubt people even care anymore.  He makes you question who is really even a friend anymore by thoughts such as, "If they are your true friend, they would still be asking you all about the adoption and they would sit with you while you express your frustrations, sadness and desperate desire to get her home.  But, HA!,  just look around...no one is asking.  You don't really have any true friends.  You are alone."  Unfortunately by this point in the battle, you are so worn out and tired yourself that these lies of Satan are too easily believed and everything begins to spiral out of control.  This fuels your misery even more and depression over the fact your family life seems completely split in your head and heart is compounded by this new lie that on top of that, you also have no real friends.  It's sickening.  It's a lie.  It's Satan's work that needs to be combated with Truth.  I, friends, I, I, I needed a big ole' dose of TRUTH on day 551.

The source of Truth can not come from friends.  It can not come from talks with fellow adopting families.  It can not come from anything but God Himself.  Unfortunately, in the moments of loneliness, weariness, and frustration, our human nature typically doesn't just pick up a Bible first thing to regain momentum.  Instead, it tends to throw out short prayers of desperation followed by a faint hope that those prayers "worked". Currently those hopes and prayers are then followed by an obsessed Mama checking her email for an elusive message miraculously saying our paperwork (that has been held up now for over a month) will have entered the next stage of the process.  But, that is not happening.  Eventually, your negative attitude settles just enough to realize how absurd all of your thoughts are and you resolve to open your Bible again and pray for the words to speak to your soul in a way that breaks through all the lies, all the depression, all the frustration, and all of the silence.  Today, on day 551 I finally did just that.

The past two days God has been whispering to my aching soul "Read the passage of Moses raising his hands in battle to gain victory."  The passage was somewhat familiar to me--I remembered that Moses was up on a hill raising his staff in his arms while the Israelite army fought a battle in the valley below.  I remembered that when his arms holding that staff were held high, the battle was being won, but when his arms dropped down, the army began to lose.  I also knew two others were there with Moses and by the end, Moses was too tired to hold his own arms up so they helped hold Moses' arms up to ensure the army's victory.  Despite knowing these details of the story,  I felt as if God was saying there was a little nugget of Truth in that story I needed to hear and it probably wasn't in the facts I could remember own my own.  So, I turned to the story to re-read it this morning...Exodus 17:8-15.

Truth, friends.  Truth is like nourishment to the soul.  Sure, I had some of the facts of the story there, but some were wrong and some were missing and those were the very things God wanted to remind me of on day 551.  Moses was lifting his hands up on a hill inevitably with a staff in them, but it was not "his" staff.  It was God's staff.  There is a major difference there.  So long as he had God's staff lifted up high in his hands, the battle was going in the Israelite's favor, but when his hands were lowered and therefore the staff of God was lowered, the battle was swung the other way.  You see, it wasn't about something Moses owned that made the difference--it was something of God's that made the difference.  Yes, Moses was involved in the work of the Lord in those moments on a hill by raising his hands, but it was not his efforts that made the battle victorious...it was God's staff (I think, symbolizing His presence) that made Moses' role critical.  If Moses would have simply raised his hands with no staff, who knows if the battle would have been won or not.  Something of God had to be present for the victory.  There are moments in this adoption process where it is very easy to think my own efforts are what is the driving force behind movement.  It is easy to think it is because I'm holding my hands up that Nora is gaining the victory of a family who will love her and care for her daily, but that is not Truth.  Truth is the fact that God is the One making things progress towards victory.  I am just the one He has chosen to hold the staff up high.  He doesn't need me to do anything but lift Him up during this journey...the rest is His to make victorious.

Secondly,  Moses, who was only human, grew tired of holding God's staff above his head...who wouldn't.  Have you ever tried to hold your hands up in the air for a long period of time?  I can barely make it through several worship songs at church let alone an entire battle.  However, when he was tired and weary, Moses had been proactive with a backup plan in his time of need.  I doubt Moses invited Aaron and Hur up on the hillside with him to simply watch the battle unfold.  I wonder, at least, if he deliberately brought these men along to be his helpmates when he needed them most.  Maybe he knew his own weaknesses well enough he knew he would not be able to hold up his hands for the entire battle all on his own.  When his arms grew weary, Aaron and Hur got a stone moved over for Moses to sit on and proceeded to hold his hands steady until sunset.  Here is the second lesson God wanted to teach me today.  I thought the lie Satan was saying to me in my moments of feeling so lonely was that I had no friends who really cared about me right now.  Although that may have been the lie I was hearing, there was an even deeper lie discovered when I read this story of Truth today.  The deeper lie was that it is a friend's responsibility to know I'm feeling frustrated, sad, or lonely.  Lie.  Truth: it is my responsibility to invite a few others to come with me on the journey up a hill.  Just as Moses asked Aaron and Hur to come, I am the one responsible to ask my friends to help hold me up in my moments of weakness and tire.  Satan has a wonderful way of making us believe we are not the ones at fault in our loneliness or whatever struggle we are facing--that the blame is on those who are not giving us what we need.  He also has a wonderful way of making us believe each battle is ours to go through alone--that we can do it all by ourselves and don't need others to be involved anyway.  He twists the story in such a sly way it is only revealed when compared and contrasted to Truth.  Today, I walk forward knowing the Truth is: it is my responsibility on day 551 to not do this thing alone, but to find people to hold my hands up and see this battle become a victory.

Lastly, the ending of the story was a key factor to what I believe God wanted me to hear.  At the end, when the battle was won and the events were recorded for memory sake, Moses built an altar and named it "The LORD is my Banner".  A Banner.  Just as Moses had held God's staff above his head in his hands, the Lord is a Banner over each of our stories, our journeys, making all of the battles victorious if we will only continue to hold Him up high for all the world to see.  I am sure in the thick of the battle, especially in those moments when it seemed to not be going their way, there were soldiers on that battlefield wondering if God was really there.  If God was really moving on their behalf or working all things together for their good.  But, the Truth is HE WAS.  He was there--overhead, like a banner, covering the whole day's events until the victory was captured.  Even though this adoption journey is much longer than a one day battle, I have to remember that the Lord's banner of love is still over me.  My hands, as weak as they are, are still raised and my energies are still invested in what He has called me to do.  His Presence is there, still being upheld by my trust and faith and determination to see this battle through to victory.  To do whatever it takes to uphold the will God has for this adoption.  He is still honoring those efforts, as little as they are some days, and using them for His victory.  On day 551 I needed a reminder that the Lord is my Banner too!

So many, many times in my life, God puts a cherry on top of His revelations to me through songs.  Today, it comes in the form of two current favorites of mine..."Banner of Love" by Luminate and "Kings and Queens" by Audio Adrenaline.  "Banner of Love" is the reminder of how important it is for us to be waving high that banner of love for others to see.  "Kings and Queens" gives me a beautiful picture of that purple banner being waved overhead...a banner of love to the children who need it most.  Plus it is a beautiful video of some special children in Haiti who no doubt had a BLAST on the shoreline getting to have fun like they probably never have had before.